Wednesday, October 15, 2008

keeping the faith

sitting here looking back on all the things i have experienced throughout my life i am wondering how did i ever make it through? how did i continue to carry on and function? how did i pick up the pieces and move on?
well, i guess i really didn't.
God did. just like my favorite poem, God carried me. not just some of the way, but through my whole life. if we just keep the faith.....
When i was pregnant i went for my very first ultrasound (which incidentally was an intra-vaginal one and if you've had one you KNOW how pleasant those are....)
the nurse practitioner looked up at me and looked at the screen, moved around the "probe" and looked some more. Well i was supposed to be about 8-10 weeks along so....what was the problem?

she looked up at me again and back at the screen.

She removed the probe and without looking at me began to wash her hands and shut down the ultra sound machine.

Picture me half sitting half laying on those spacious exam tables in a semi private gown tied in the front with my vagina hanging out and my husband at my side staring at her.

She comes over and sits down. She looks up at me and says "i can't see the baby".

Oh, i think, is that all? well i must just not be laying right. or maybe the baby is too small.

I sit all the way up and am somewhat relieved at this news.

But she is still looking at me. "i can only see the yolk sac, but no baby and no heart beat and i should be able to see one."

i lost my breath and looked at my husband to see if he can understand this gibberish she is speaking.

He is just staring at her, so i take his cue and stare at her too.

"i think we need to count this pregnancy as a loss. There is nothing there."

WHAT! how did we get here? i can't see or hear anything else at this point. my mouth and nose feel like they are filling up with cotton. I can't speak or even make a noise......and then the tears start to come and my husband is squeezing my hand so hard.......

"you are probably going to start bleeding to expel the baby in the next few days and we will have you back in here in about 2 weeks to be sure the remains are out...."

i am sure she probably said some comforting words some where in there, but even to this day i can't remember much more than what i have written.

I left and didn't know what to say. I didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone see anyone or God forbid TELL anyone.....what would they say? what would they think?

i cried alot and spoke very little. my husband went to work and came home and we ate dinner and life was almost the same except every single time i went to the bathroom i carefully studied and examined every inch of toilet paper waiting for blood. iknow that is graphic but it's the truth. I must have gone to the bathroom every hour for 2 weeks. I stared and stared at the toilet paper. I waited and waited. one very dear friend and family member (one of the few who knew about the situation) spoke to me about her own experience and let me express my feelings.
Mostly i waited and waited for a miscarriage that never came. My husband was there for me hugging me and comforting me and he took care of me in a way no one else could have. I am truly grateful the the Lord gave him to me, no one else would have been enough.

I went back to the doctor 2 weeks later and there on the ultra sound screen was the most beautiful sight i have ever laid eyes on....

a gray blur blinking about 150 times a minute.

A heart beat.


I cannot explain it. I cannot understand it. I do not know what happened.

But it doesn't matter, because God knew all along. He knew what he was doing and He knew the plan, and all i had to do was sit back and.....

Keep the faith.