Tuesday, June 29, 2010

a recap....or short version of the last few months that might end up a long version....

so i've been using the letter format, which i like very much, but i think i'm gonna break that habit for just this one post because there are so many things that i would like to say and they are kinda pouring out and wouldn't really even sound right in letters.....

i moved out in april. it was the hardest and longest thought about decision i have ever made. it has been so up and down and well....... all over the place i sometimes feel like i have to sit down just to think straight.

i have been angry and sad, happy and cheerful, frustrated and scared and a whole host of emotions.

so lets recap....

i moved out in april into an apartment, my first time living alone. i took very little with me and had to learn that when you decide to make macaroni and cheese because your eight year old loves it, you should make sure you have a pot in which to boil the water.

after you run out to the store to get the pot as well as a spoon because you remembered you would need something to stir those noodles, and then you get home and cook it ....

well wouldn't it be funny to learn you dni't own a colander either....

sending you back out to hte store to purchase said colander.

anyway, suffice it to say, i have finally stopped realizing the basic essentials i don't have, i think i am mostly stocked up.

the rooms are furnished, yes we finally havea couch to sit on, which was totally worth the wait....

and even though our mattresses are still on the floor, we are happy.

we enjoy spending days together by the pool, making tacos together, going to the movies together, laying in bed reading books together and just being mother and son.

my family has been amazing and just last night my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and all of us were there surrounding her and i was thinking to myself, how lucky am i?

my heart is full dear friends.

though sometimes i express my frustration and anger here, i have so much more to me than that. i have been taking a crap load of pictures, which i love to do and will eventually get it together long enough to share some on here....

things are well with me:)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

and yet another letter....

dear self,

sometimes you really get on my own nerves, you are so down abot yourself. you see faults that no one else sees. why is that do you think? is the rest of the world deaf dumb and blind? or maybe, just maybe you are overly critical of yourself. hmmm, just wanted to let you know that there are plenty of people out there cheering you on, in fact they even wrote a blog post about you (miss bee) and here you are feeling inadequate. why? well i am the confident side of you and i am screaming to get out!
let me out now!

dear you,
its been a while, you know since i've really had anything to say, that is probably a good thing but i must tell you i am quite baffled by your behavior this past week. i haven't even gotten my thoughts together yet so i won't blurt them all out on here, suffice it to say, it isn't what you think it is, i'm happy and so is dom, we wish you were too and thats it for now.

mommy is so proud of you! you learned how to swim underater this week and you ljumped in from the side with no help! it makes my heart warm and my mouth smile just to watch you grow and learn. your little tan body snuggles up to me at night and that big cheesy smile looks up at me and i feel like i am the queen of the earth:) i am so lucky to be your mommy and be here for every little accomplishment!
always your biggest fan,

Monday, June 14, 2010

so much to say and i can't find the words..

dear blog,
i have had you for over a year now. i have tried different formats and colors and ways of writing. it seems that we are going through some changes lately that i cna't tell if they are good or bad.
Don't get me wrong, i love you and if i didn't haev you to vent to i might shrivel up with frustration. But sometimes i wonder what could i be doing better? we have our faithful readers but i want to expand, touch more people get to know some others....

i guess i am feeling stumped at this point....

still a work in progress,

dear jackie,
a mere few hours ago you tucked my most precious little guy into bed, gave him some kisses and sent him off to dream land. this has been very successful for us ever since i moved out, though i don't know how you so willingly have the patience to do it night after night with nothing but a thankyou in return.

shortly after you left, little guy called me and he was crying. apparently he had some very unpleasant diarrhea and didn't know what to do. he knew he couldn't go back to sleep in it and he was far to embarrassed to ask m to help. so he wanted me to come home. he was heartbroken at the thought of laying there all night.....

you, without hesitation came to the rescue. you had no gas and it was well past midnight. but you were there to clean him and comfort him and lov ehim up when i couldn't. i know i def made the right decision when i picked you as godmother:)
love you dearest sister,

dear world,
someties things seem so unfair. i know that there are many out there with far less than me, but sometimes i feel so overwhelmed and just so....tired.
why do you constantly present me with these challenges and think i am capable of facing them? will i ever be able to sleep for more than four hours at a time?
just wondering, cuz i really am tired....,

Sunday, June 13, 2010

the wise bee

dear outspoken bee,

i have finally found your blog that you created:) i read all the way trhough from the beginning which took me a while because i wanted to soak up and absorb every bit. i won't link you yet because i don't have your permission...

(suffice it to say readers of mine, she is amazing.)


one thing that i most admire about you is that you are 100% real 100% of the time. there is no fooling around or mincing of words. it is all truth and honesty and i value that in you. it is true we have never met though i believe we have "known" eachother for a little over a year and a half now...

when i read your posts on abuse it hit home.

you know alot of what is going on but i am sure you also know that there are so many things i choose not to share on here. shameful things that i couldn't bare for people to know. maybe we will get a chance to talk about it someday.

let me just say if there is anyone reading this and you think you are being abused or you are suffering from abuse and you don't know what to do...

i am by no means an expert, merely experienced in my own life, but i am here, and te outspoken bee has many posts that are informative and supportive.

miss bee, you are truly a kindred spirit and i can't wait to meet you and hang out and get to know you even better!

thankyou for your daily support and words of wisdom, thankyou for not judging, thankyou for speaking the truth.

Friday, June 11, 2010


dear pool,
yay, dom and i will be coming to visit you tomorrow:) i love sittin gnext to you and being outside and simming in your super cool water! it is pretty much the funnest thing ever........ can't wait to see you!

today you really MADE MY DAY! first you told me i look like a princess in my sundress and then you told me the tacos i made for dinner were the best ever. you sure know how to flatter someone:) never change that!

i missed you today because you had to work:( that is the saddset thing ever because its always better when you are here!

the ball is in your court, please dont let us down again

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

isnt it funny.....

dear you,

there are so many things running through my head today but the most very important is that I DID NOT TAKE YOUR SON FROM YOU! you gave him up.


you didnt even try and negotiate or fight. You are so caught up in your own self that you cannot see beyond that to what you are doing to him.

right before i moved out we talked about ridiculous things, and i think maybe it was partly to make you feel better, but there are somethings i meant.

we talked about doing stuff as a family still for doms sake so that he could see us together and getting along. guess that won't be happening anytime soon. i would have done it too. i would even welcome your girlfriend to come along because the way i see it is that one more person to love our son can never be a bad thing.

but you are so hateful.

you think about you and you spread lies to everyone you touch.

when i had my nervous breakdown i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and you went around telling everyone i was bipolar and it was so hard for you to live with me.

you told everyone that you didn't hit me but you pled guilty.

you told everyone that i now have a boyfriend and am therefore a slut but you have a girlfriend.

all those lies that you convinced me of over the years have built up inside of me into some terrible twisted sickness......

now i am letting it go. you are a liar and nothing i can do will ever change that. nothing that comes out of your mouth can be trusted, but i am freeing myself of that from this moment on. leave me alone and save your lies for your famiy and friends. see how long they last.

free of the king of lies,

Monday, June 7, 2010

a coupla things

dear dom,
oh son, how you make me smile every day:) we spent all of saturday at the pool with plenty of friends and family to join in the fun:) i loved seeing you swim around, make new friends and be outside in the beautiful sun:)

yesterday at aunt kelly's babyshower you were so well behaved, i was proud to be your mom:)

last night when i had to leave for work and you had tears in your eyes, i did too, oh how i miss you when i leave. then you called me and said you just missed me too much to wait to talk to me. It makes me smile to think of you picking up the cell phone and dialing my number anxiously hoping for me to answer.

I love you more every day:)

love, mommy

dear jackie,

again you tucked and snuggled my son into bed. he is so sad when i leave for work and you are there to comfort him and let him know things will be ok. you do it without complaint, without concern for your own plans and without repayment of any kind.

i love you and am grateful that we have eachother again:)


dear you,

so, you wanted me to pay your rent again. im not quite sure what isn't clear to you about i am not paying any more bills for you. i have plenty of opinion about you breaking the court order to contact me though.
i have tried to be understanding, and tried to hold my head high, but i have to say when you called me a dumb cow, that really got me. im not sure why, because quite frankly i have moved on, i guess it hurt because you continue to spread the word about how terrible i am and those loser friends of yours jsut keep sticking their heads up your ass and agreeing. for the record... they haven't even met me. so they can agree all they want, doesn't mean you are right.

the power you once had over me is gone. i am no longer scared or worried about what you will say or think and that is freeing as hell. but for some reason i am still embarrassed for people to know the things you did.

why am i embarrassed? who the hell knows. YOU did it. i guess i didn't want anyone to know i had to live with those things. i felt sad and pathetic. you probably loved that. seems to me you weren't ever really sorry either. seems to me like you were proud to see what you could get away with.

sometimes i feel so bitter towards the fact that you are saying whatever you want about me and telling everyone whatever you want and i choose to stay much more anonymous. maybe the day will come that i won't be so quiet anymore. but you know what i really think will happen?

all those so called friends and family will eventually see you for exactly what and who you are and they won't be around so much anymore either. they don't even need me to tell them. all they need is time with you and they will know.

i wish you would call our son more often. hearing from you once or twice a week really isn't alot and i know it hurts him. i see his little face so sad. i know that he misses you terribly, do you miss him? and what are your parents thinking? what in the hell have you told them that has them convinced that they aren't even going to try and see their grandson? i have so many things to say about that, but for now i am choosing my words carefully so i will leave it at that.

even after all this, i am hoping you are getting it together. dom needs you.