Wednesday, April 29, 2009

tag your it...

so here i am at a wonderful 2 am typing away while my husbands naps on the couch and my kid plays in his room. i hope we get to actually see the sun this week, i like warmth, plus the whole vitamin d thing and all....

anyway, i am both excited about and dreading saturday. why? well happy because i get to have my husband to myself all evening, and there is dancing and an open bar, which means i will be drunk within minutes. plus our babysitter is willing to come and spend the night at the hotel so we can be drunk and walk to our room. not happy, i have to wear a dress, and my family will be there. but again, i will be drunk. so.....mostly i'm excited. i am truly appreciative for everyone;s support, some new people made comments, which really touched my heart!

i have been tagged by a fabulous bloggy friend, and you should totally check her out if you don't already follow her....

8 Things I'm looking forward to

1. summer vacation
2. may 21st: i will have been faithfully exercising for 6 months that day
3. completing my yearly performance evaluation for work so i can just be done with it!
4. dancing and drinking on saturday with the love of my life
5. truly fitting into a smaller size, as in no muffin top here!
6. having 4 nights off beginning friday night
7. going out friday night with the girls!
8. spending some time with my little man:)

8 things I did yesterday

1. drank an alcoholic drink at 8am
2. went to sleep at noon
3. woke up at 8pm
4. went to work at 11pm
5. gave an enema to a not happy patient first thing when i got off the elevator (seriously, how deranged am i?)
6. ate kashi cereal with strawberries while everyone else ate chinese food
7. ran on the treadmill and did strength stuff
8. had another drink at 8 am
(in my defense, i never claimed to have a very fabulous and exciting life....)

8 things I wish I could do

1. buy a house
2. go back to school and get my masters degree ( ok, i'll be honest, i will be doing that in septmeber, but i wish i could just go and pay for it and pick it up and bring it home all in the same day....)
3. lose weight
4. be a bit more confident
5. get lasik eye surgery
6. a 5k
7. win the lottery and never work again
8. have another baby

8 shows I watch

1. big love, i don't know what it is about this show but i freakin love it
2. house
3. law and order svu
4. the real world/road rules challenge crap (yeah i know i'ts crap but its like an acciddent, i can't.stop.watching.)
5. the soup (how else can i keep up with the important news?)
6. criminal minds
7. jon and kate plus eight (i donot care how people think kate treats her husband, i love the way she is so organized)
8. i guess i don't have another, although i'll think of something after i hit publish, i am not home most nights to watch t.v. and i don't have DVR or ti-vo, i know some of you a gasping for air at that statement)

8 people to tag

1. Trying to Stay Calm!
2. My Life As It Should Be
3. Life in the House of No Sleep
4. Infertile Myrtle
5. It's Trickey
6. Mama Loco
7. Janana Bee
8. Pulsipher Predilections

whew! that was a long one:)

so i hope you are all having a great day, and i will leave you with this bit of wisdom from a 7 year old. (yes cammie if you are reading this i already left it on your comments, but i thought that everyone should be able to share, you think it is a coincidence that his name (dom) is actually in the word wisdom?)

me "dom, why are you not listening? how can you be good all day and jsut now decide to behvae so badly?"

dom "because mommy, there is an angel on one of my shoulders, and a devil in the other. i can't let the angel have his way all the time! it just wouldn't be fair."

love to you all

Saturday, April 25, 2009

weird phobia's

i am sitting here and it is 2:30 am. my husband is asleep and my son is playing in his room. if you've been here before, it doesn't surprise you that we are up. if not, it is such a long and boring story...

anyway, i just had the pleasure of watching my son re-enact WORD FOR WORD the movie of horton hears a who. yes folks, we are talking 2 hours of him jumping, running, speaking and acting with his toys. i lost the ffelingin my feet about 30 mins in, starting nodding off by 50 mins in, realized that i may be stuck in his room forever about 1hr and 20 mins in, and finally when i actually felt like i was gonna start crying at 1hr and a half, i told him to finish it up.

that's when he told me after the credits there would be a "making of" part. thanks disney and warner brothers. thanks for showing my son how to prolong my agony.

needless to say i am still alive. don't judge me, you try sitting through it. he even makes tickets and gets you popcorn and soda. come on by. see if you can last.

so anyway, the phobia thing. as he was crashing around his room and jumping on and off his bed (it doesn't count as jumping mommy, it isn't really me, it's the movie...) he came dangerously close to my face more than once. which caused me to flinch and move back.

it reminded me of my worst fear. having one(or gulp...more than one) of my teeth be knocked out.

i am so scared of this happening. i don't even know how it started, all i know is that i am terrified of it. the thought of walking around even for mere minutes with a tooth missing makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

i have a recurring nightmare, 2 actually about teeth. the first started when i was really young that this boy and i were walking home from school (like age 7 or 8) and there is a hill. and over the hill comes this creepy old man with an old, ragged, button up night shirt on. but he isn't walking because at the bottom of the night shirt is nothing. he is kind of bobbing along. he comes up to me and starts pulling out his teeth and holds my hand with his other hand and sticks the teeth in my fingers. and the teeth just keep growing back in his mouth. and the kid i was with, ran away.

the second one is that i wake up and go to school/work whatever, and i all of the sudden can't open my mouth because when i do my teeth are so long and jagged and deformed that it doesn't look like i am opeing it. it is like some kind of weird lockjaw and i try to stretch it open and a whole lot of saliva is dripping and the teeth are like 4-5 inches long.

ok, so if i haven't freaked you out yet....and you are still reading......a few days before jerm and i were married we had a car accident. basically i was asleep in the front seat, (seat belt on) and jerm was driving. he apparently fell asleep going 60 miles an hour and hit a car stopped at a red light. my seat belt broke and my head broke the windshield. i do not recall any of this, but he tells me i was unconscious for a while, and when i finally came to, the first thing i asked was "are my teeth ok?". apparently i asked the medics, the police, him, my mother, the german lady we hit and the doctors at the hospital.

so my biggest phobia is something happening to my teeth.

number 2? telephone poles at night. haven't found anyone else who shares that phobia. the story behind is much more of a mystery as i do not have nightmares about them, and actually have to see one at night to be scared of it. it's so silly, i know.

so, does anyone else have a weird phobia?

also, i just wanted to say thankyou for such caring and understanding comments on my last post. i really needed to get it out, and i was afraid of it coming across the wrong way. believe me, i know i am lucky in so many ways. but no one seemed to take it the wrong way. i am more grateful than i can express for all of you!


p.s. shauna, heather and becky, can you please email me your address's? you are my winners from pay it forward, and i want to get those presents off to you all finally!

Friday, April 24, 2009


i have been here, but not these last few weeks, and i wish i had been better at keeping up on here. i love having this blog, and you guys who read me? i love you all too! but things have been strange, and so i have stalked all your blogs, keeping up on what has been going on, but haven't let you all in. it has been overwhelming, and i don't want my blog to become something people read knowing it will be whiny and complaining. but i feel i can come here and be me. so i will.

as i approach my 27th birthday in a little more than a month, (and yes i know i am still so young) i have been re-evaluating things.

i don't really know where to start and so i guess things will come out a bit mixed up and jumbled.

all my life i have been a "people pleaser". for one reason or another, i have always tried to make everyone happy, make everyone like me. if you didn't, well i took it as a challenge to bend over backwards for you until you did like me.

as a child, i did and said the right things and covered up for my family. i never wanted people to know that my parents dropped us off at church so they could go home and sleepoff their drug/alcohol induced hangovers. i certainly didn't want anyone to know that we (my younger brother and 2 younger sisters and i ) were homeschooled out of fear that we would give up my fathers drug selling business.

friends nearly never spent the night just in case they mentioned to their parents the constant line of people entering our house, going to my parents bedroom and then leaving all within 10 minutes, all night long.

we were not allowed on the phone for more than 10 minutes at a time just in case a "business" call came through.

as a teenager, i went to church and took my brother and sisters with me just to give them a few hours out of the house. i worked since i was 12 babysitting and then once i could drive a myriad of jobs. i helped to pay bills so we could keep our cable. i bought groceries so i wouldn't have to see my mom at the register put things back or choose between milk and kool-aid.

i didn't care though. i wanted my brother and sisters to never see how we almost went without food for 2 days, or anyone else to see that we shopped at goodwill. true, we had clothes and thats more than some, but i just couldn't bear for anyone to truly see the poverty we lived in. 10 different homes in the 18 years i lived with my parents.

i graduated highschool at the ripe old age of 16 so i could go to work full time. i paid for my car, insurance, clothes, food and gave money to my mother. i went to college full time. my curfew was 9pm. i went to church and did all the right things and said all the right things, just so people wouldn't look at me and feel bad for me.

Jeremy was the only one who knew the truth. and he still loved me. for me.

we married when we were 18 and it was the proudest moment of my life. and yet still i got the pity looks. most people thought i married him to get out of my parents house. i no longer choose to speak to those people. our church banned our marriage and we were not allowed back there.

at the age of 19, we became parents. our little boy was the light of our lives. we loved him even though he was broken. we cared for him, often going without to give him everything. and yet still the pity. the looks that made me feel i needed to do more so people would like me even though i had a sick kid.

we were both in school, caring for this child through out 3 surgeries and hundreds of thousands in medical bills. he was thriving and so were we. our family was growing and learning and we loved it. but still, our families, our few friends, they judged. they pitied. they wanted to know when we would get a newer car, or move out of our trailer. when would we stop being an embarrassment.

fast forward to now. we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year. our son is 7. we have both graduated. jerm stays home with our son, who cannot go to school. we don't do drugs, we drink alcohol responsibly. i love my job and have thrown myself into it. we love eachother. we are happy together. i still get those butterflies when i know i am coming home to jerm.

and yet i am still a people pleaser.

well, that whole story was to explain these last few weeks. i am done. i am exhausted of trying to make everyone else happy and still coming up short. i speak to my family who lives 20 minutes away a few times a year, and if i make the effort, i see them 2-3 times a year. my father is having a affair on my mother. with a 20something girl. she is the friend of my sisters who go out with my dad and this girl. my brother lost custody of his 2 children over a year ago to their maternal grandmother. he has done nothing to get them back. he has seperated from his wife. my sisters join my parents and my brother in doing drugs-everyday. they lie, cheat and steal. and they choose not to speak with me because they think -that i think-that i am better than them.

i call, i visit, i buy things for them. all to try and fit in with them. now they ignore me because my husbands best friend is my sisters ex. and we choose to still be friends with him.

i am finished with them. and yet i don't know how to do that. the co-dependence that they demand isn't who i am. and yet can i cut them off completely for self preservation? i cannot take the way they make me feel any longer. i cannot take them laughing at me when i call and they hang up on me. on 5/2 (next saturday) i will be forced to sit at a table with them during my uncles wedding. I want to be cordial. i do not want to feel bad and give in and act like nothing has happened.

at work. i have bent over backwards trying to prove to some people how hard i work. rumors still go around and accusations are still made. i have had to make a transition of sorts. i can no longer be everyone's friend. i have to make the tough decisions. people try and walk all over you when you try to be friendly. and then when things go wrong and someone is looking for someone to blame, they point the finger at you.

i resolved last weekend that this would happen no longer. we are there to work. not sit around and look at the computer or laugh and joke. you can have fun at work as long as the work is getting done. and no longer am i answerng for those that choose to do the wrong thing. i must say it didn't go over well the first night. by the second night i heard the word dictator being thrown around. but by the third night, when the work was getting done, and everyone was working together and i was showing (instead of saying) that i was willing to help, people starting thinking this might be ok. by the last night they stopped saying dictator and started saying leader.

it took so much for me to show it. so much to put my foot down and be done with someone saying whatever they felt like. it is hard to change from friend to boss. and yet i come home now feeling like i am satisfied. feeling like i am doing the best job i can. i know people will not always see it. but i am done pleasing others. i need to be true to myself.

i am so thankful for my husband and my son. they have remained the constant through these changes. they have remained lvong through these changes. jerm makes sure i know that i am not responsible for my family and their actions. that i am not to balme for the way they are. and that i cannot change them.

and i am thankful for all of you. thankyou for coming here and reading. and coming back.

i feel so much better to have this off my chest:)

now i am back. and truly better than ever.

hope you all are looking forward to the weekend!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

i have been away too long...

ok, so i was better at blogging even when i was away on vacation. i have been working so much i haven't had much time for anything. and even now i am at work, and shouldn't be writing this, but i am sitting for someone while they go to the bathroom.

anyway, i promise i will be back sooner rather than later!

for now, my friend becky is pretty much doing a freakin awesome giveaway! and i am posting about it so can get more entries, pretty selfish huh?

but i love presents!

hope you are all doing well, and i promise again i will be back! but i am totally enjoying myself reading all of yours!

Friday, April 10, 2009

it's freakin april, why is it still cold?

first let me say my bloggy friend melissa likes to talk so much has reached her 100th post! and her giveaway is freakin fabulous! she is seriously giving away the best stuff! go check her out here, and be sure to catch up on her blog, its great:)

it is finally friday and i am finally home for a bit. not that i just took a 3 week vacation or anything.....but since arriving home i have been working nearly non-stop. now i am done until tuesday night.

last night was dinner and a drink with the girls, which i very much needed since it was a long day:)

today my son is being extremely good, which i am quite thankful for. he is amusing himself quite well, taking a break every now and then to give me a kiss. it is much improved over his previous behavior. picture this....

i am sitting outside, it is night time. i am in my favorite postion which is a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. jerm is next to me, we are talking. dom is playing and suddenly stops. he starts looking at me with that face that says "i want to say something...."

i try and ignore that face. its mean i know, but my brain is really done for the day and i don't much feel like answering any questions.

he continues to stare at me and slowly, ever so slowly, he inches toward me.

i continue to not look at him.

he is much closer to me now, and it is in slow motion i can see him start to open his mouth.

it is at just that moment that my darling husband comes to my resue with " dom, leave mommy alone. she is relaxing"

he backs up and looks away, but sure enough, not even a minute later, he begins with that about-to-say-something face.

he starts to move around his father, looking like he is playing, but we both know he is actually inching toward me again, just out of sight of his father.

i continue being the good mommy i am, and drink my beer without making eye contact.

just as he reaches me again, and looks as though he is about to speak....

"dom, what do you want? i told you leave mommy alone. "

ha! saved by jerm yet again.

or so i thought.

i guess that little angel that i birthed decided he was fed up with waiting. he came and stood directly in front of me, made a funnel shape with his hand over his mouth and announced "attention mommy. a little bored."

several things went through my mind, including wow, he has some nerve, also ummm is this the most spoiled kid i have ever met? but mostly, i just laughed because, well it was just freakin funny that he wanted to let me know so bad.

it has been over a month since i have spoken to anyone in my family. that isn't the sad thing. the sad thing is i am not sad about it. i have struggled for years to overcome the way i grew up. the things that i was taught to believe and know. i am not saying it is the worst thing in the world. just not what i choose to believe now. or the way i live my life. my father, mother, younger brother and two younger sisters are all alike. they all think the same things, so the same things. but not me. i am the blacksheep. except kinda in a reverse way.

what i am wondering is this. does anyonne else struggle with this? does anyone else really not get along with their family, but pretend they do because underneath they love their family no matter what? does anyone else know that their family speaks poorly about them behind their back, but ignores it and pretends to believe them just once or twice a year when you see them?

i struggle with not wanting to be dishonest, but wanting to keep the peace so i can keep my family. i know, i am being so vague here. this is the first time i am ever even letting a bit of this side of me seep out. i don't want to open the flood gates.

on a more positive note, tomorrow is when we will dye easter eggs, and this is something i look forward to every year! i am so excited!

hope you are all enjoying the start of the weekend!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

back to the grind

so we have been home for a week now. i guess its kinda like riding a bike, you never really forget. except i did forget two things.
one: the floor i work on at the hospital really has a rather unpleasant smell, consisting of poop, mucous, disinfectant and rot. i guess maybe after being there you get used to it and don't smell it anymore. but then when you leave for 3 weeks, you re-experience it for a few days.
second: i forgot how much of a bitch guinevere is sometimes. after not seeing her for a month, we were reunited on saturday morning. and then just to show me how much she missed me, she introduced me to some of her friends. some assorted weight machines. it has been my goal to start toning in addition to cardio in april. so every other day i meet up with those bastards to push myself even harder. sounds like fun, huh?
still managing to keep my tan, and i have to be honest in addition to the long list of things i already do that i will probably regret when i am older, i have decided to jump into a tanning bed once or twice a week until summer just to maintain. feel free to lecture me on skin cancer.
if anyone was wondering where some of your food came from, i have a 7 year old just dying to educate you on the matter.
"mommy, chicken fingers come from chickens, right?"
"but chickens don't really have fingers, so it is their meat, right?"
"and hamburgers come from cows, but it is really the meat inside them, right?"
yup. (boy this kid catches on quick.....)
"and hotdogs come from pigs, right"
"isn't it great how they just poop them right out in the right shape?"
oh yes son, among all the things we eat pig "poop" is the most convenient, being preshaped by the pigs body and everything.
i tell you, he never ceases to amaze me with the things he says.
something else i learned this week.....
one of my patients was extremely confused beginning at 8pm every night. it was the magic hour, she lost her mind at exactly 8. she would strip down naked and wander around. each time i put her in her special low bed that was only 6 inches off the ground to keep her from falling, and put a bed alarm on her and give her snacks and magazines to keep her occupied. i would leave and go into the next room and turn around and there she was behind me, naked.
saturday night she had a visitor, and if ever a man looked like he drinks nothing but beer all day long.....
he stops me in the hall way and proceeds to tell me that all black men have a hobby of holding poor innocent kittens still while they burn their whiskers off with a lighter. i'm not really sure where he came up with this bit of knowledge, i'm sure all the alcohol i could smell on him had nothing to do with it.....
anyway, he is telling me the patient rescues these kittens and cares for them. and he has been caring for them since she's in the hospital.
i finally tear myself away from that fascinating trip to drunk land.... and realize a coworker, who happens to be a black male, was standing there and he is not amused.
i try to explain to him it isn't worth his time. just let it alone, who cares what the walking six pack of pabst blue ribbon said anyway.
he agrees and walks down the hallway. only to have mr. drunk guy approach me again.
my coworker shouts down the hall way to me " hey jineen, watch out or i'm gonna burn the whiskers off your kitty".
this flew right over mr. drunk guys head, but certainly didn't miss everyone else in the hallway, who didn't miss the sexual innuendo.....
i guess maybe it's funnier in person, but i'm still laughing my ass off.
so my education this week has been much, and my sleep has been little.
i have missed you all, and will leave with a few pics from key west:)

atlantic ocean.....
gulf of mexico side.....


i'm a lucky girl.....

i did this alot:)

the weather, water, everything was beautiful!

late night swim:)

love you all


Thursday, April 2, 2009

i think my son is on crack

well, when we got home on monday morning, we were pretty much far too tired to do anything. we simply walked in the door and went to sleep.

nope, we didn't even shower, and if you knew me, you would know that is perfectly fine with me, i wouldn't shower every day if i didn't need to. most of the time i hate to shower. i like being clean, i just hate to bathe. anyway, not jerm, he LOVES showers. but we drove all night and that is much longer when it is dark out. so, we went to bed.

the nest night we had to go shopping and get some food, cuz there wasn't anything here, and then pick up the mail.

i have never had our mail stopped before, always jsut had someone come pick it up every fw days, but this time hubby stopped it.

when we picked it up i had two lovely surprises waiting for me.

i would like to say i was patient and brought them home to photograph to post on here. i would like to....

but i can't. i didn't even wait for him to get in the car. i grabbed the bag of envelopes and snatched out the two presents and greedily ripped them open like a kid on christmas:)

the first was from a fabulous girl shauna over at trying to stay calm who gifted me with a friendship package...

here are the remains...

she even wrapped each thing!

she is so generous!

i never get stuff like this in the mail. i am smiling even now thinking of my friend shauna whom i've never met, and how she bought and wrapped these things for me:) she is such a caring and positive person, and i love reading her blog and seeing all the hearts she uses:)

then i got my gift from becky for pay it forward:) her blog is my life as it should be :)

she is so much better than me, not only did she get her stuff sent out, and i haven't, but she actually made it! i LOVE it!

thanks to both of these wonderful women!

so, how have you all been? i have missed you, trying to catch up on all the things going on has been hard. i have worked only two nights since getting home, but i have the whole weekend to work, fun. hard to get used to smelling poop and rotten bodies all night long. also the cold. i realize it is actually warm here for april, but still....

oh how i miss florida!

now that i am home, i guess i have to go see guinevere. i need to make sure she is ok. i will probably need to take some bandages and flowers to care for her wounds inflicted by others and the flowers to cheer her up. i gained 3 pounds over vaction, which i am not too upset about, but now it is time to crack down.

i haven't ever talked about our eating habits too much, and they are far ranging,but for the most part we have tried to get really healthy this year. whole foods, organic foods, vitamins, juicing, that sort of thing, not in a fanatical way, just in a we want to be healthier way.

but i like to research the vitamins and foods and have a reason behind why we do what we do.

so that is my quest for these next few days, more research into vitamins. boy my life is so exciting. i know how jealous you are feeling right now, but don't worry, we can't all have big projects like this.

jerm is sad because he really wanted to find an alligator on the side of the road and wrestle it. not only did we not see one on the side of the road, we never even saw one! well except at sea world. but i think they frown upon people jumping into the pen to wrestle them.

and now for your reading enjoyment.....these answers are straight from his mouth:)

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "i love you"

2. What makes mommy happy? "seeing me and daddy every day"

3. What makes mommy sad? "if i'm being mean"

4. How does your mommy make you laugh? "jokes from me and daddy"

5. What was your mommy like as a child? "fun and happy"

6. How old is your mommy? "16" (i'm 26)

7. How tall is your mommy? "probably 40 feet" (ummm....)

8. What is her favorite thing to do? "play with me and daddy" (noticing a trend here? apparently my life and happiness revolves around two people)

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around? "wait for me to come home" (oh yes, iwith baited )

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for? "mommy-o's which is a cereal made from mommies" (like i said he's on crack)

11. What is your mommy really good at? "cooking and being a mommy"

12. What is your mommy not very good at? "fixing towers or couches" (he would be right)

13. What does your mommy do for a job? "nursing" (one right answer!)

14.What is your mommy's favorite food? "shrimp, chinese food" (i hate shrimp with a passion and chinese food is good, but my favorite is french toast on french bread)

15.What makes your mommy proud of you? "doing fun things and when i make her happy"

16. If your mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be? "sponge bob"

17. What do you and your mommy do together? "play and fun stuff and smack people with dish towels" (oh yes all the fun we have together chasing people at the grocery store and mall with dishtowels is what we do best)

18. How are you and your mommy the same? "we like to type on computers"

19. How are you and your mommy different? "i like cops, mommy likes nursing"

20. How do you know your mommy loves you? "i'm sweet and romantic and you tell me"

21. What does your mommy like most about your daddy? "that he's strong and fixes things and takes care of me" (he comes in handy for fixing those towers and couches that i am so bad at)

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go? "probably home to relax with your family"

23. What's your favorite thing about mommy? "you always give me hugs and kisses and you tuck me in and say prayers when i go to sleep"

24. What's your least favorite thing about mommy? "how you pick your nose" (at which point jeremy chimed in and let me know, i do in fact pick my nose a little more often than most. but only on the side my nose ring is. who knew they watched me so closely....and for the record, i can't blow my nose, and i use a tissue)

so, that is me according to a crack head 7 year old.

hope your week is great!