Saturday, November 27, 2010

im so not good at this.....

so when I started this blog it felt like i had a billion and one things to say.... but for the past few months life has grabbed a hold of me and taken me away and there just doesnt seem to be enough time. I have been a faithful lurker of your blogs, reading but sadly not commenting, I enjoy keeping up with you all and envy that you are so interesting and good at time management.

I do happen to have an interesting story, ok well maybe not super great interesting but certainly bizarre enough that it might catch your attention...

You may or may not know that i am expecting. Before you wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing, I will tell you it is a good thing. i am super happy and my boy friend is as well. It will be his first child and I am 18 weeks along as i type this out. Is it kinda soon since I havent' been seperated from my husband all that long? i guess you could think of it that way. but there are many more details that go in there that really seem irrelevant to me. We are happy and healthy and my son is doing bette than i eve imagined and so life is sweet.

Anyway, so yes I am preggo and I have a uterine tear with a small bleed that seems to be under control but really the heavy lifting is left to the boys now. I no longer haver to lug our laundry up and down three flights of stairs to complete. I have help. and when I say help i mean a boyfriend who is willing to do it:) he even folds it all:) no he is not for sale, lmao.

anyway, so he tells me to gather my laundry together and he will get it started. i do just that once again smiling that it wont be me carrying it all. did i mention we live on the third story?

he goes up and down the stairs, toting laundry and detergent and dryer sheets. up and down. up and down. several horus pass and the laundry is complete. I begint o put it away. my sons thigns are done, now onto my own....

everything is so nicely folded and easy to put away because he not only folds it but sorts it into piles. I complete my task and go about getting ready for work. I really think nothing funny until i go to my sock drawer to put on socks. there aren't any except a pair of red and green christmas socks and a pair of knee high striped toe socks.

Where are all my socks?

i recheck the laundry basket.... empty

i ask my boyfriend if all the laundry is indeed finished.......yes

i return to my drawer incase i missed them the first time......still no socks

i sit down on the bed baffled.

i go back to the living room and grab my boyfriend and take him to my sock drawer and open it and ask him if he sees socks.

well of course he sees the christmas socks, takes them out and hands them to me and walks away.

It is now two weeks later and I have to tell you I still have not seen hide nor hair of my socks. I feel i should elaborate that we do laundry about every two weeks and I therefore have enough sicks to last me that long. meaning I had aprrox 15 to 16 pairs of socks go missing.

i've heard of the dryer eating socks, but 30 individual socks?

needless to say i examine my neighbors feet thoroughly each time i encounter them curious to know who is the proud new owner of 15 pairs of dollar socks from target......

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

so what's new?

so, what has happened in the last few weeks? well......

we went on vacation to the beach which was great! a much needed break and though it was honestly weird to do it the first time without my ex/dom's daddy, it was a much needed break! the waether was beautiful and we had fun:)

once we got back it was time to get into school mode for dom who is is third grade this year and being homeschooled by his mommom. she chose to use the abeka program which i am super happy with and he is loving school, tho maybe not so much the homework. its great for me too because he is with her from about 10 til 3 every day and so i get some time to ge tthings done plus i have always wanted to pack him lunches ( dont ask me why) and now i get to!

i am currently taking a statistics class and hating every moment of it. apparently when i got my laptop about two years ago it came with programs and i somehow lost the packaging and so i dont have the product key to set up excel and so i cant do my homework:( boo for me. not sure what im gonna do about that....

and last but not least, i found out the day before we left for vacation that m and I are expecting:)

we are so happy and excited, we go to the doctor tomorrow for the first appointment and according to my calculations i will be 7 weeks and 5 days tomorrow:)

so how have you all been?

long hiatus

so dear bloggy friends. i took a hiatus. I apologize for no warning ahead of time, but i just had to take some time. Some of my posts were so angry, hell i was so angry and thats not me. I am not filled with hate or anger, and i do not wish to have those things in my life. So, i needed to take a break and get myself together a little bit before coming back here:)

so many things have happened and honestly i wasn't sure if i might ever return but then shannon suggestd i do and i thought, yeah she's right, i big time miss blogging:)

so here i am!

I want to take sometime and fill you all in on everything thats been goingon pictures included, but for now i wanted to post something short and sweet and say hello:)

Saturday, July 31, 2010


dear new job,
I am truly loving you more and more every day! even though i don't much care for getting up at 5:30 in the morning, and although i don't really speak for about 2 hours unitl i have fully woken up, and even though you keep me on my toes every second of the day.....i love the challenge of learning new things!
The preceptors i have are amazing and i am so thankful to have this opportunity!
Heart you!
new employee

dear smfe,
omg, i am loving our friendship! you have helped me learn that a friend accepts you no matter what and even though they may e very very honest with you about htings, it is out of love and caring and in the end, you always have my back! I want you to know i always have yours too! i love you from the bottom of my heart!
Love you mrs p!
rev p!

dear anonymous,
i can't reveal your identity because it might cause you trouble but yesterday you helped me in a huge way. for that i am grateful. i wasn't expecting it, and you certainly didn't have to do what you did. Thankyou,

dear person who has gotten on my nerves twice tonigth already,
when i say please don't share this information with anyone....I MEAN IT! it doesn't mean you can tell your sister and your grandmom and whoever else you tell. my business is my business and i certainly will be thinking twice before i share it with you again.
thanks for pissing me off

dear psycho bitch stalker,
i guess this isn't gonna get any better. i have done absolutely nothing to you. NOTHING. you are spreading lies about me to people. i know this. you are accusing me of doing the same and i haven't done anything. i dont talk about you to anyone. i have nothing bad to say other than you can't seem to mind your own business. you are being ridiculously dramatic. you are embellishing and lying. you are making everything about you when really it isn't about you AT ALL. of course thats typical fashion for you. i tried to end it, tried to make it so that you couldn't continue to stalk me. but somehow you seem to keep doing it.
All i can say is this. i have kept my mouth shut. i didnt have to. god knows you haven't. but let me tell you something right now.
you need to leave me the hell alone.
you want to pretend like im not alive, like i don't exist? then just freaking do it and leave me alone! keep my name out of your mouth! you are crazy, there is something wrong with you. seriously.
stop coming here.
this blog isn't for you.
quit being a pyscho stalker.

dear dom,
i had SO much fun with you at the beach thursday! you are my sweetest little pumpkin and i love you, seein gyour face light up on the boardwalk, seeing how happy you are when we spend time together, walking on the beach with and enjoying your little self is the best part of my life!
mommy loves you more than anything!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

im a flipflopper....

Dear bloggy friends:)
so i know i was on a bit of a rampage during my last post and in fact the one i had typed first was quite nasty. I deleted it about 10 mins after i posted it because that was anger talking and not me.
I have been thinking for the last few days and have decided not to make this private. i don't feel that i should be censored in my own blog. I am entitled to an opinion and i have the right to speak about things the way i see them. None of us know eachother anyway and i dont use names except for my own.

The things that i have shared on here are true. They are real and I will not back down on that or remove it. I stayed quiet for far too long and i will not do it anymore.

i love having this blog and i love my bloggy friends and followers. you all mean a ton to me and your advice and caring have gotten me through some tough times:) i love reading you and sharing with you.

thankyou for hanging in there:)

on a happier note, dom and i went to the beach on mnday with my bestie suzanne and her son:) best time ever! we got a little tan and a little burnt but it was a beautiful day and the kiddo's had a serious ton of fun. pics to come!
heart you all,

Dear you's mother,
this blog is not for you. if you don't like what you are reading, stop reading it. if you dont like it because you know its the truth, too bad. at least you didn't live it. stop judging the way i am living my life, you have chosen to make me none of your concern so why do you care? do not be a hypocrite about what is wrong for me but acceptable for your son. I will repeat that this blog is truly none of your business, i do not wish for you to read it, but if you choose to continue to do so, at least have the courtesy to tell the truth about what it contains instead of exagerating and embellishing it.
it didn't have to be this way, thats on you,

Friday, July 16, 2010


dear bloggy friends,
it has come to my attention that there is someone reading htis blog who doesnt belong. one person who is reading out of spite and then lying about what she reads on here. she is a hypocrite, a dramatic and ridiculous person. i had quite a nasty post on here that i only left up for a few minutes because that isnt who i am.
i am either going to go private or create a new blog where i can truly be me without being judged. please let me know your opinion about which option i should choose and also email me if you would like to follow me privately or follow my new blog.

and to the lying hypocrite,
if you dont like what you are reading because you cannot handle the truth, stop reading. stop passing on incorrect information. and stop being a judgemental hypocrite. you know who you are.

Monday, July 12, 2010

pleading for your prayers....

i am breaking traditional fashion of letter writing to beg for your prayers for my dear friends the Henn family. you may or may not have heard on the news, Nate Henn was killed in the bombing in Uganda yesterday, he was there doing charitable missions work for a cuase he eventually gave his life to. he was an amazing kid growing up and was laways good for a laugh. Today hs younger brother kyle was injured in a plane crash near his home in North Carolina.
This family is dear to my heart and i covet your paryers for them as they rally together to deal with the tragedy and loss in their life.
Thankyou sweet bloggy friends.....

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

a recap....or short version of the last few months that might end up a long version....

so i've been using the letter format, which i like very much, but i think i'm gonna break that habit for just this one post because there are so many things that i would like to say and they are kinda pouring out and wouldn't really even sound right in letters.....

i moved out in april. it was the hardest and longest thought about decision i have ever made. it has been so up and down and well....... all over the place i sometimes feel like i have to sit down just to think straight.

i have been angry and sad, happy and cheerful, frustrated and scared and a whole host of emotions.

so lets recap....

i moved out in april into an apartment, my first time living alone. i took very little with me and had to learn that when you decide to make macaroni and cheese because your eight year old loves it, you should make sure you have a pot in which to boil the water.

after you run out to the store to get the pot as well as a spoon because you remembered you would need something to stir those noodles, and then you get home and cook it ....

well wouldn't it be funny to learn you dni't own a colander either....

sending you back out to hte store to purchase said colander.

anyway, suffice it to say, i have finally stopped realizing the basic essentials i don't have, i think i am mostly stocked up.

the rooms are furnished, yes we finally havea couch to sit on, which was totally worth the wait....

and even though our mattresses are still on the floor, we are happy.

we enjoy spending days together by the pool, making tacos together, going to the movies together, laying in bed reading books together and just being mother and son.

my family has been amazing and just last night my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and all of us were there surrounding her and i was thinking to myself, how lucky am i?

my heart is full dear friends.

though sometimes i express my frustration and anger here, i have so much more to me than that. i have been taking a crap load of pictures, which i love to do and will eventually get it together long enough to share some on here....

things are well with me:)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

and yet another letter....

dear self,

sometimes you really get on my own nerves, you are so down abot yourself. you see faults that no one else sees. why is that do you think? is the rest of the world deaf dumb and blind? or maybe, just maybe you are overly critical of yourself. hmmm, just wanted to let you know that there are plenty of people out there cheering you on, in fact they even wrote a blog post about you (miss bee) and here you are feeling inadequate. why? well i am the confident side of you and i am screaming to get out!
let me out now!

dear you,
its been a while, you know since i've really had anything to say, that is probably a good thing but i must tell you i am quite baffled by your behavior this past week. i haven't even gotten my thoughts together yet so i won't blurt them all out on here, suffice it to say, it isn't what you think it is, i'm happy and so is dom, we wish you were too and thats it for now.

mommy is so proud of you! you learned how to swim underater this week and you ljumped in from the side with no help! it makes my heart warm and my mouth smile just to watch you grow and learn. your little tan body snuggles up to me at night and that big cheesy smile looks up at me and i feel like i am the queen of the earth:) i am so lucky to be your mommy and be here for every little accomplishment!
always your biggest fan,

Monday, June 14, 2010

so much to say and i can't find the words..

dear blog,
i have had you for over a year now. i have tried different formats and colors and ways of writing. it seems that we are going through some changes lately that i cna't tell if they are good or bad.
Don't get me wrong, i love you and if i didn't haev you to vent to i might shrivel up with frustration. But sometimes i wonder what could i be doing better? we have our faithful readers but i want to expand, touch more people get to know some others....

i guess i am feeling stumped at this point....

still a work in progress,

dear jackie,
a mere few hours ago you tucked my most precious little guy into bed, gave him some kisses and sent him off to dream land. this has been very successful for us ever since i moved out, though i don't know how you so willingly have the patience to do it night after night with nothing but a thankyou in return.

shortly after you left, little guy called me and he was crying. apparently he had some very unpleasant diarrhea and didn't know what to do. he knew he couldn't go back to sleep in it and he was far to embarrassed to ask m to help. so he wanted me to come home. he was heartbroken at the thought of laying there all night.....

you, without hesitation came to the rescue. you had no gas and it was well past midnight. but you were there to clean him and comfort him and lov ehim up when i couldn't. i know i def made the right decision when i picked you as godmother:)
love you dearest sister,

dear world,
someties things seem so unfair. i know that there are many out there with far less than me, but sometimes i feel so overwhelmed and just so....tired.
why do you constantly present me with these challenges and think i am capable of facing them? will i ever be able to sleep for more than four hours at a time?
just wondering, cuz i really am tired....,

Sunday, June 13, 2010

the wise bee

dear outspoken bee,

i have finally found your blog that you created:) i read all the way trhough from the beginning which took me a while because i wanted to soak up and absorb every bit. i won't link you yet because i don't have your permission...

(suffice it to say readers of mine, she is amazing.)


one thing that i most admire about you is that you are 100% real 100% of the time. there is no fooling around or mincing of words. it is all truth and honesty and i value that in you. it is true we have never met though i believe we have "known" eachother for a little over a year and a half now...

when i read your posts on abuse it hit home.

you know alot of what is going on but i am sure you also know that there are so many things i choose not to share on here. shameful things that i couldn't bare for people to know. maybe we will get a chance to talk about it someday.

let me just say if there is anyone reading this and you think you are being abused or you are suffering from abuse and you don't know what to do...

i am by no means an expert, merely experienced in my own life, but i am here, and te outspoken bee has many posts that are informative and supportive.

miss bee, you are truly a kindred spirit and i can't wait to meet you and hang out and get to know you even better!

thankyou for your daily support and words of wisdom, thankyou for not judging, thankyou for speaking the truth.

Friday, June 11, 2010


dear pool,
yay, dom and i will be coming to visit you tomorrow:) i love sittin gnext to you and being outside and simming in your super cool water! it is pretty much the funnest thing ever........ can't wait to see you!

today you really MADE MY DAY! first you told me i look like a princess in my sundress and then you told me the tacos i made for dinner were the best ever. you sure know how to flatter someone:) never change that!

i missed you today because you had to work:( that is the saddset thing ever because its always better when you are here!

the ball is in your court, please dont let us down again

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

isnt it funny.....

dear you,

there are so many things running through my head today but the most very important is that I DID NOT TAKE YOUR SON FROM YOU! you gave him up.


you didnt even try and negotiate or fight. You are so caught up in your own self that you cannot see beyond that to what you are doing to him.

right before i moved out we talked about ridiculous things, and i think maybe it was partly to make you feel better, but there are somethings i meant.

we talked about doing stuff as a family still for doms sake so that he could see us together and getting along. guess that won't be happening anytime soon. i would have done it too. i would even welcome your girlfriend to come along because the way i see it is that one more person to love our son can never be a bad thing.

but you are so hateful.

you think about you and you spread lies to everyone you touch.

when i had my nervous breakdown i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and you went around telling everyone i was bipolar and it was so hard for you to live with me.

you told everyone that you didn't hit me but you pled guilty.

you told everyone that i now have a boyfriend and am therefore a slut but you have a girlfriend.

all those lies that you convinced me of over the years have built up inside of me into some terrible twisted sickness......

now i am letting it go. you are a liar and nothing i can do will ever change that. nothing that comes out of your mouth can be trusted, but i am freeing myself of that from this moment on. leave me alone and save your lies for your famiy and friends. see how long they last.

free of the king of lies,

Monday, June 7, 2010

a coupla things

dear dom,
oh son, how you make me smile every day:) we spent all of saturday at the pool with plenty of friends and family to join in the fun:) i loved seeing you swim around, make new friends and be outside in the beautiful sun:)

yesterday at aunt kelly's babyshower you were so well behaved, i was proud to be your mom:)

last night when i had to leave for work and you had tears in your eyes, i did too, oh how i miss you when i leave. then you called me and said you just missed me too much to wait to talk to me. It makes me smile to think of you picking up the cell phone and dialing my number anxiously hoping for me to answer.

I love you more every day:)

love, mommy

dear jackie,

again you tucked and snuggled my son into bed. he is so sad when i leave for work and you are there to comfort him and let him know things will be ok. you do it without complaint, without concern for your own plans and without repayment of any kind.

i love you and am grateful that we have eachother again:)


dear you,

so, you wanted me to pay your rent again. im not quite sure what isn't clear to you about i am not paying any more bills for you. i have plenty of opinion about you breaking the court order to contact me though.
i have tried to be understanding, and tried to hold my head high, but i have to say when you called me a dumb cow, that really got me. im not sure why, because quite frankly i have moved on, i guess it hurt because you continue to spread the word about how terrible i am and those loser friends of yours jsut keep sticking their heads up your ass and agreeing. for the record... they haven't even met me. so they can agree all they want, doesn't mean you are right.

the power you once had over me is gone. i am no longer scared or worried about what you will say or think and that is freeing as hell. but for some reason i am still embarrassed for people to know the things you did.

why am i embarrassed? who the hell knows. YOU did it. i guess i didn't want anyone to know i had to live with those things. i felt sad and pathetic. you probably loved that. seems to me you weren't ever really sorry either. seems to me like you were proud to see what you could get away with.

sometimes i feel so bitter towards the fact that you are saying whatever you want about me and telling everyone whatever you want and i choose to stay much more anonymous. maybe the day will come that i won't be so quiet anymore. but you know what i really think will happen?

all those so called friends and family will eventually see you for exactly what and who you are and they won't be around so much anymore either. they don't even need me to tell them. all they need is time with you and they will know.

i wish you would call our son more often. hearing from you once or twice a week really isn't alot and i know it hurts him. i see his little face so sad. i know that he misses you terribly, do you miss him? and what are your parents thinking? what in the hell have you told them that has them convinced that they aren't even going to try and see their grandson? i have so many things to say about that, but for now i am choosing my words carefully so i will leave it at that.

even after all this, i am hoping you are getting it together. dom needs you.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

i won but we all lost really.....

dear you again,

so we went to court yesterday. i showed up 20 mins early, you weren't there. the court ruled in my favor through default and just as the bailiff was showing me into the judge to sign the papers, i almost ran headfirst into you. At first i was upset, you were 20 minutes late and i didn't feel like dealing with all of this to begin with, especially on my birthday.

but then the mediators asked me what i wanted. i said full custody and i want you to leave me alone.

you, i really thought you would fight. no way were you giving me full custody without visitation. i told them i was sure you would request visitation of some kind. and i would have agreed. i want you to see our son, i want you to be the dad i know you can be.

but you didn't even fight.

as i am sitting here typing this, tears are pouring out of my eyes because you gave up on your son. the next time you see him, he will be 9 and a half. you will miss him swimming in the pool, halloween, christmas. you won't be there for his birthday or easter. he won't even get to celebrate fathers day with you this year.

i may have won in court, but we all lost. the only thing you requested was phone contact, didn't you see how readily i agreed to that? didnt you remember i said i wouldn't take your son from you and i meant it?

even now, you haven't tried to call him. its been three and a half weeks since you've seen him. my heart is breaking for both of you because i know that you love your son.

you, he misses you. please, i didn't ask for child support, i didn't ask for restitution, please, work hard at your job, complete your classes and get it together. there is a little boy living with me who needs us BOTH to take care of him.

hoping and waiting,

dear you's mother,

i texted you today to tell you that even though your son gave up his son, that i want you to be a part of his life. that i would never keep him from you. i told you that he and i both love you and miss you. i said that even if you didn't want to see me anymore, that i wouldn't make it uncomfortable for you to see dom. i apologized for things getting nasty even though it isn't me or you making it that, it is your son. but you have been in my life for so many years, i didn't want to lose you, or your family.

i don't know what he is telling you, i can't imagine it is anything good. i doubt it is the truth either. but i trust that you know him well enough to know that. i trust that you can see for yourself the way he is acting.

all i am asking is that you don't forget about your only grandson who misses his best friend/uncle.

i saw that after i texted you, you sent texts to your son. but you didn't answer me. i humbled myself and put it out there to try and keep the relationship open. i don't know what else i can do.

i miss you and love you,

dear god,

i am so sad right now and i dont know what to do.

dear family, friends and bloggy peeps:)

thankyou so much for the birthday wishes and thoughts! i truly had a great day:) love to you all

Thursday, May 27, 2010

tomorrow is a big day....,.

Dear Judge,

Sir/ma'am, i would jsut like to ask you to seriously consider my request for a standing PFA for both myself and my son. I know that this means for a year my ex won't be able to see us, but i am willing to modify the order so that he may have contact with our son via phone.
the problem is judge, after really truly spending the last few wweks thinking hard about what i honestly believe is best for my son, i have concluded that being around his father right now is both unsafe and unhealthy.
He has no electricity, no money, no food and no desire to care for a child. He is hateful and mean and trheatening and yes i have proof of all those things. I have phone calls and texts and physical witnesses to violence, and facebook postings and my own testimony.

i want to do the right thing here, so judge please, make him get some help. force him to get some help. i want our son to know his father, but this isn't him....

thankyou judge,

dear friends and family,
in 15 minutes i will be 28. it is my first birthdya after having moved out. it will be the first time i must do everything for myself for my birthday. i hope it doesn't sound selfish but birthdays are kinda a big deal to me and i always ty to celebrate for other a ton. so please, all i am asking is don't forget me today, i need you all:)


Dear sunshine,
ever since i laid out that one day you have since been MIA. I want you to know it is nearing the end of may and it is past time for you to start making a dialy appearance. you see i am working on whats called a base tan.

the pool opens this weekend and i have no desire to be glowing in the dark at that time.

please co-operate

dear dominic,

when you called me into your room the other day and you had your globe under your shirt and told me you were pregnant and you and mommom were having a babyshower later, i was stuck kinda between shocked and peeing myself.

for one thing you are a boy and for another your sudden obsession with pregnancy is hilarious. mommy isn't havinga baby right now so you took it into your own hands. i am laughing my ass off and i don't know what i would do without you:)

Love you forever

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

somethings an dthen some more things......

dear you,

yup another bit of wasted space to get out my frustration with you. it jsut keeps getting better and better with you. today you texted my sister to ask if i could put you on my car insurance because you got pulled over and ticketed for driving with out. and you now have a court date. and you want me to pay for it but you will pay me back later. and you need the proof by friday.


i ignored it at first because quite frankly i was shocked you would even ask. then you texted the other sister to see if i got the message. i let you know that i was sorry but i was unable to help you and you just ran with that talking about being f*cked over and needing help and i made you look like a scumbag for publishing our court date in the paper (of course if you had shown for the court date that wouldn't have happened).

i am honestly at a loss. you are mean and nasty and hateful, you have some other kid sleeping and vomiting in my kids bed, his whole room smelled. you have some other womans dirty bloddy underwear in the bathroom, no food just beer in the fridge and you havent paid you electric bill in months.

and you want me to send my kid there?

you want me to pay your rent and your car insurance and your cell phone, well hell, i might as well open up a mens shelter and let every wife beater out there come live off of me.

kiss off,


dear mom,

you have taken care of my son for me the last two dayas so i could finally get some sleep because i am having a hard time calming down lately. i appreciate you more than you could ever know and i know that you think i am helping you out a ton by letting you stay with me, but really it is nice to jsut have my mommy there when i am going thru all this bullshit and to have someone who loves my son helping out.

you are encouraging and loving and so good for me to be around.
i love you mom,

dear sister,

you make me laugh everyday. even when i am having the shittiest day ever and just want to hide, you pull out the cigs and we have a smoke and i get it off my chest and you haev me cracking up and peeing my pants within a few minutes. even when i was quite pissy with you last night, you forgave me instantly and loved me still.

remember when we were kids and use to sit at the dinenr table trying to be quiet so dad didn't yella t us and then you'd start laughing and then we'd all start laughing? we always got in trouble but we always had fun.

(p.s. sorry for that time i hung your baby dolls by moms sewing thread from the ceiling and told you they committed suicide because they didn't like you anymore. that really wasn't nice of me.)

love ya forever,

Monday, May 24, 2010

to you and you and you

Dear patient in 523,

Remember when i entered your room all smiles and cheer and i asked you how you were doing? and remember how you looked at me and said "listen here lady, i'm miserable and it's gonna be a long night". Well that "tylenol" (that certainly wasn't an ambien) shortened the night quite a bit huh?

sweet dreams,

Dear driver who rode my ass,

I did not appreciate you riding so close to my bumper that had I needed someone to perform cpr in my trunk you would have been the man for the job. i was going 70mph, and the speed limit was 55. im not sure where you were going but riding my ass didnt make me go any faster, huh?

kiss off,

(p.s. you looked like a monkey waving your arms around, if meant it to look threatening it did not.)

Dear wawa mocha alert coffee,

oh ho wi love your extra dose of caffeine. even though you are a powder mixed with water, your flavor is so tasty i wake up craving you. you get me through my day,

heart you

Dear patient in 526,

just so you know i am trying to type a blog post and interupting me to have me come and scratch your foot IS JUST A LITTLE ANNOYING!!!!! I don't care i fyou are 90 years old, scratch your own damn foot!

your caring nurse

bloggy friends,

i apologize, this post isnt that interesting, but i needed a down day, lol and i seem to thrive on this letter format thingy. heart you all for coming back!

Friday, May 21, 2010

more letters.....

dear m.....

today was a bad day for me. i was sick this morning and worried and then postponed. when i came home you didnt say much and i took it to mean that you didnt care or notice.

i went outside with my sister and my son and you came along and joked around, touched me a few times just to let me know you were there, but still.....

i wanted you to ask me how my day was and letme get it out. i needed for you to do that.

i came in and rinsed off my sweat in the shower and laid down, i had been up for 27 hours by that time anad i was over exhausted......

you came and laid down next to me and said "just so you know i'm here when you are ready to talk. but don't let it build up inside. talk to me."

my mouth opened and so did the floodgates. i told you every fear and concern i had, every tear i cried you met with a smile and kind words.

you encouraged me, uplifted me and cheered me on. you made me feel strong again when i felt weak all day.

you made me feel worthwhile and proud when i felt down and hopeless all day.

i cried and laughed through my tears as you brought me up out of my misery with that way you have and i finally slept.


you know who you are

dear you,

tonight you called me ignorant and vengeful. you didnt even spell it right, but trust me it hurt just like you meant it to. I know you said more to my sister about me that she is censoring me from because you have already hurt me enough today.

when i found out that you have no intention of coming to court today, i wonder why you wont be there to defend yourself. I mean, i guess htere isn't much you can say, but still. you won't even fight to see your child? he misses you. two and a hlaf weeks ago when you said goodbye to him, i know that he had no idea it would be the last time he saw you for a long while. two weeks ago he was asking for you every day. one week ago he mentioned that he hasn't talked to you on the phone in a while and were you ok. this week he hasn't really talked about you at all except to his therapist.

your rent is over due by a month.

for some reason you found it necessary to state that i should pay it to keep myself out of trouble with my credit. Thanks for thinking of me.

when you heard i wasn't gonna pay it, you became nasty, again.

why am i continuously surprised by this?

you were supposed to start your job three weeks ago. now it is next monday. i continue to pay your cell phone bill even though these last two months you either went over or are near to going over your minutes.

you write on facebook all the time about the amazing days you are having and how much fun your life is, but you complain to my family that i am selfish and uncaring because you have no money and i won't give you any more.

everytime i am forced to be subjected to you either by third party or in person, i am bitter afterwards because you are mean and hateful.

i would just like to remind you that it is you who abused me. and when i finally couldn't take it anymore i left. and now you continue to abuse me however and whenever you can.

my friend serena gave me some advice and i took it and will continue to do so.

i wish you the best and hope that you can reevaluate your life. i hope you can get it together for the sake of our son. i hope you find happiness and comfort.

but if you don't i want you to know that me and dom? we are doing just fine without you. we are happy and healthy and safe. we go places and do things, we spend time together and have friends. and i know that even though he will wonder why he doesn't have you.....he will also know that he always has me.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

this format seems to work for me....

Dear god,

though i know that you already know how i am feeling there are soem thigns that i would like to discuss with you and since i know y ou wont be answering back, just listening whole heartedly, i am gonna let it flow.

I am such a mix of emotions, some days i dont even know which way is up. I am mad because i feel like i have very little control over things. you know how much i like and need control. maybe thats why you have taken it away from me. not too sure, but i want you to know how uncomfortable it makes me. i overdrew my checking account today to put gas in my car and it has had me pissed off ever since. i knowingly did it and i have very good reasons, this you know because i am very good with money normally except this past week when i just can't quite squeeze enough off tha money tree.

be patient you say? relax and let you handle it god? well im sure thats a good theory but i know you wont be the one paying that overdraft fee or feeling guilty that for once in you adult life you messed up your bank acocunt.

i am sad because there are moments when i miss my ex husband so much it hurts. just little things, or vacations. it wasn't all bad you know and though alot of it was, i do miss the dream of what we could have been. what? yes lord i know i tried my hardest for years, but doubt has a way of washing over me and sometimes i am afraid i am gonna drown in it.

i am scared because i do not know what the future holds. my son and i are good right now, but who wants to be alone forever? who wants to go through learning about soemone else and hoping they want to learn about you too? i am feeling downright cheated right now that you didn't give me a mate that i could have stayed with my whole life. the one you gave me was defetive and i am tired of getting the short end of the stick.

i am also thankful. thankful for my health. thankful for my son and my family and my friends (esp my bloggy friends who know that i am writing this only to vent and not to complain)....

well, lord i guess i have said enough for one day. thanks for listening. i'm sure i will be back,

Friday, May 14, 2010

if you call me this, i might defriend you....

so i am gonna give some advanced warning that this post will contain some offensive language and content. I will not be offended at all if you choose to stop reading and i also promise this is not a preview of every post from here on out.
that being said it is my blog and this is a place i feel i can come and get out the bullshit.

To Whom it May Concern,

There are certain people who are saying certain things on certain public areas of the internet about me. they are hurtful and mean, and i don't like it. i choose not to respond on the same venue and create sometype of facebook war, but suffice it to say calling me a whore who isn't worth the air im breathing might be a just cause to defriend you.

if after i defriend you, you text me to say that you are glad i left and that you hate me and everything i do and that you are going to take my son away from me for ever and that i am a waste of life and that you will take care of me and anyone i bring around my kid, i may just call the police.

and if you continue to harrass me and post on my pictures on facebook that i am a cheating whore, i may file for a restraining order.

if your family comments on my pictures and my posts my friends are probably gonna retaliate.

however, i am not trying to take your son from you nor do i wish to fight or interfere with your life. and i will also be taking the high road and not announcing to your family that you have been abusing me for the past five years in every way imaginable. Nor will i tell everyone you know that when you were 22 you had an afair with my 15 year old sister.


neither will i share with your friends that you tried to have an affair with the other sister and wrote her letters which my family still has.

i will not call your boss and tell him that you consume far too much alcohol everyday or that the anger management class you took was because you almost killed me that time.

i am sharing it here because your friends and family don't know this exists and because if you are reading it you already know the truth about it all anyway.

though you may never admit to these things and though you may fight me tooth and nail, i will continue to tell your son everyday that you love him and miss him.
Though you have probably played your sympathy game to everyone you know and have them convinced i am a monster when really it is you who is black on the inside, i will continue to support you in your job and in your parenting because like it or not we will be a team in that respect for the rest of our lives.

somedays, i throw up because i am just so sick of always taking the high road. somedays i want to personally call each of your friends and family and tell them how you held me down and did what you did to me, show them the marks and bruises you left on my body.

but i won't. because at this point in my life the only thing i have in common with you is a beautiful son whom we created and who desperately needs both his mother and his father.

and so i ask you if i can put it all behind me and swallow my pride for the sake of my kid, can you do it too?


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sleepy, sleepy, sleepy

if i was a dwarf guess which one i'd be?

as i sit here and type i can barely keep my eyes open and for good reason. I have barely had 3 hours of sleep in the last twenty four hours and have worked way too much in the past three days, not to mention two therapy appts and a dentist appt.

have you ever been so tired and just waiting for the time to pass so that you can get to bed and it seems to drag on and on?

one patient is screaming out my balls are cold, another is askign for gum or coffee and yet another one wants endless supplies of pain medicine. my coworker and i were cleaning up a particularly stinky mess and i was talkig aloud, wondering what is it that made me choose this profession? what made me decide to clean asses for a living and stay up all night to do so?

so my question for you is this, what is the best/worst part of your job and what brought you to your current position?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

OMG! i've joined the 21st century!

its kinda like the kid who wears what was cool from last year on the first day of school this year only to discover its no longer cool. and after beggin their mom the entire summer to buy them jsut this one pair of pants please, their mom makes them wear those damn pants every week. anyway...

my point is as you may know i have been making a ton of changes over these past few weeks and some of them include joining the 21st century. such as

i finally have internet on my phone. i was trying to play it cool with having facebook updates texted to my phone, at least then i looked busy and seemed cool, but now i have the real deal and i can stalk check the status of my friends from the toilet or the car.

i have a dishwasher. there is a story why i never had a dishwasher, its long and old, but suffice it to say you should never use dish detergent in a dishwasher. and you certainly should never ever fill the little tray all the way up with said dish detergent. and you should never never ever run the damn thing again once you clean up all the bubbles assuming you got them all out the first time. cuz you did not.

my oven works. ahem. the one at my son's fathers house hasn't worked in years and suffice it to say i got very good at microwaving or stove top cooking. so now i can have casseroles. which i wasn't allowed to make and lets face it sometimes you jsut want a damn mixture of all the shit left over in the fridge. or maybe you dont, but you can make it anyway because you now have an oven.

i have two bathrooms. surely you would understand that three people sharing one bathroom makes for some interesting arrangements. especially when you are in the middle of your shower and someone has to shit. and not just any ole dump either but one that has a smell so powerful you feel like you are bathing in that instead of your peach ginger soap.

anyone else tryin to catch up with the jones'?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

things i didnt know until i was a nurse....

yes i went to school for years to learn how to be a nurse.

and then i went though orientation for weeks to learn how to put it into practice.

and now i am back in school to learn how to be even more of a nurse (is that possible?)

but there are some things that they just dont teach you in nursing school or prepare you for in orientation.

there are something you have to learn on your own....i share them with you now....

1.) yes it is in fact possible to hold your bladder for an entire 12 hour shift and not pee yourself

2.)that when you work night shift, most people think you should get by with only 3-4 hours of sleep, "what do you mean you slept from 10am to 5 pm?"

3.)that it would be possible to consume that expected (8) eight oz glasses of water, (it still counts if it is brewed with beans and cream and sugar are added, right?)

4.)it is in fact possible to clean poop, vomit, saliva and urine off of your patient, yourself, their bed and the wall and then go scarf down your lunch with no afterthought.

5.) yes, poop does come in all colors of the rainbow

6.) hearing a little old lady insist that she is in labor, despite the fact that she is 92 and then watching her give birth to a rolled up blanket is not the funniest part of your day

7.)you will begin to read the obituaries

every day

and know at least one person

8.)eyeballing the veins of anyone who stands next to you is normal behavior

9.)you will learn how to cook an entire holiday meal in the breakroom using nothing but a george foreman grill and a crockpot, and not set off the smoke detectors.

10.) it is possible to fall asleep standing up, at the red light, in the middle of a conversation and last but not least while finally sitting down to pee after 12 hours!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

what had happened was....

ok so i decided to listen to you shannon:) sort of. and by that i mean no speed to help me out losing weight:) i skipped the cleanse part and am drinking a ton of water instead to try and flush my body out. With a move coming up in 6 days and lots of work to be done i am not fitting any exercise in....but packing and cleaning and then carrying all those boxes has to count for something right?

so my towels from jc penney's came in the mail today and they are beautiful! perfect! jsut what i wanted.

my problem ahs always been this, i won't spend money on myself. i rarely buy myself anything very nice and even when i do i feel guilty about it later. but i am done with that. i made a list of the things that i need for my sona nd myself and i am being frugal, searching the sale papers and buying super nice stuff at a super nice price! so my egyptian cotton, cream colored extra large, fluffy soft towels come in the mail and it almost makes me want to bathe every day jsut to use them.....


it is down to the wire with 6 days to go and plenty of stuff to take up time in between, don't even ask me why it took three people 6 hours to get one little boy's room cleaned up and pack up half his crap only to discover we weren't even finished yet....

other than that, i am happy, tired, but happy! how are you?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

spring cleaning, but not in the usual way....

yes it is true, the weather is changing! the birds are chirping. the sun is out! we may even hit 70 degrees here in delaware this week! time to do a little spring cleaning.....

and by that i mean my colon.

What had happened was..... i had lost 40 pounds over the last year and was doing an ass kicking job of getting in shape....then around november i jsut kind of well....stopped. nervous breakdown, failed marriage, whatever the reason and now on the last day of march i have found myself with 20 of those pounds right back on my body.

i don't know which was worse, seeing it for myself and trying to convince myself i was being harsh, finally getting on the scale and confirming the numbers or hearing from my friends that indeed it was noticable after all.

whats a girl to do?

well, i was sad for a day. sad and disappointed i mean i worked hard to get rid of this fat! i was fitting in a size smaller and feeling liek i was on my way... and then bam!

but, today i am done with sad and now i have a plan.

a spring cleaning plan.

yup, i am gonna do a cleanse. im not even gonna lie and sugar coat it for you. i may be slightly embarrassed to reveal what is about to go down, but im gonna do it anyway.

quick trim has a 48 hour cleanse and i am gonna buy some and do it and then i am gonna get their pills too. my plan is to get a treadmill in my new apartment, but until i can afford that i have plenty of exercise dvds and i am getting back on track because i need to!

so 48 hour cleanse, diet pills, exercise and food habit changing are my srping cleaning regime.....

this means two things...

here comes the skinny bitch.....

but first its probably just here comes the bitch:)

Monday, March 29, 2010

what's new?

hello dear friends!

I know, I know,
I am THE worst blogger ever. Things have been so busy..... i come here and read yoru blogs and think of all the witty comments i could leave and then i think of something so fantastic to blog about and then i get busy and i just never get around to it. I used to be so faithful.....

So whats new? how have you been?

Wanna know whats new with me? Well i guess i'll spill it...

So in 10 days I am moving into my apartment with my midget. Oh wait, i mean my eight year old.

I have been packing and tying up loose ends for a while and realizing that even though I am not taking very much, alot of crap is accumulated after 9 years!

I have such a mix of emotions, happy, sad, excited, scared, nervous, many things... have you ever felt that way? about what?

it is finally beginning to get warm around here and for that i am super happy, means i can start working on my tan sooner rather than later! yay for tans! (i know i know, skin cancer and sun block and all that)...

so i am working and going to school jsut the same as usual and now i am thinking maybe its time for some new pics, gonna have to work on that this week! Catch me up with all of you!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

i wish i was witty or at least god

.....but i'm not. i love to read those snarky blogs full of little hirlaious tidbits that make me snort whatever i'm drinking out of my nose. i long to be like them, but alas i am regular.

i have been working all weekend and am now officially about to be on vacation for two weeks. not that i'm going anywhere, just not going to work.

just fine by me because as much as i love to wipe ass and crush meds in applesauce and shove them down people's throats, even that gets tiring.

i am on the search for the perfect apartment for my little guy and myself and have been looking and looking and looking......gets kinda old after a while and i havent even begun to pack. not that i'm taking much, but just the clothes alone scare me....

not too much interesting going on, i saw a yeigermeister girl do a dance move i will be envious of for the rest of my life.....

.....and i believe i am addicted to wii bowling, which is just fine with dom because he loves to make up mii's on there. in fact one day when i was getting a shower he asked to make mii's on the wii and i was like sure, ok....i set him up and had a very peaceful 10 minutes all alone!

when i came out he wanted to show me all the hard work he had done making 7 mii's....and he turns to me and says "mommy, i want to be just like God when i grow up."

"oh yeah? you want to be the maker of the earth?"


"the father of jesus?"


"you want people to pray to you?"


"well what is it about God that you like"

"he's black" and then he proceeds to show me all the mii's he made look exactly like morgan freeman, because evan almighty is his favorite movie and mr. freeman plays god in that movie.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

its good to be me:)


"yes dom"

"when i was a baby living in your tummy, how did i get out?"

"you know"

"i want you to say it"

"dom, you came out of my vagina."

lots of giggling ensues on the part of the 8 yr old son.


"yes dom"

"is a vagina an inside out penis?"

yup, one saturday morning as we were getting a gourmet breakfast together, and by that I mean yummy poptarts broken in half and put on a paper towel just the way the midget likes them......

that was the conversation we had.

my son and i have been growing more and more close over the last few weeks, and for that I am especially grateful. my mom and i have been growing more and more close over the past few weeks and for that I am grateful.

i have a group of friends who love me and support me and for that i am grateful.

i am hopefully back to the bloggin scene, and for that you i am grateful:)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

i climbed up out of the snow to deliver this.....

so those of you living anywhere near me know that I am talking about almost 2 feet of snow, which for sarah may not be a ton, but for us in delaware it is a rare occurrence! I got stuck at work all weekend because i couldn't get home and co-workers couldn't get in......that was fun, sleepover at work.....mrsa covered food....
at least i had clean underwear....

anyway, it has been almost a month since i last posted and i feel pretty bad about that. i used to be such a faithful blogger and then it became the source of fighting for hubby and I and so i backed off, and then I went private and I really backed it off. I am debating now whether or not to remain private or reopen myself to the world. i am tired of hiding, and this was supposed to be an outlet, instead I let myself be convinced it wasn't a good way to get my thougths out and therefore i gave up.

But i have missed my dear friends and i don't keep up with you all the way that i should, so give me your thoughts on that if you wouldn't mind, remain private or go back out into the world?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

play along

have you ever felt llike you were just playing along in your own life just to get through? sometimes i feel
like that. that i am just going through the motions, that everyone else is saying and doing what they want and i am just doing and saying what is expected of me.

how do you break away from that? it is one of the things i struggle with because it is easier for me to help everyone else be happy instead of myself. it is easier to say the things that i know they want to hear rather than say the truth.

i have been looking at apartments and have even found myself alittle excited. i have never lived on my own before and tho i know it will not always be exciting or eay, it will be different and maybe i wont feel the pressure to pretend so much anymore. and i wont be scared.

so friends, how have you been? i have been reading all your blogs to catch up and i admit i haven't been as good with the comments simply because i just want to see how you have all been:) i love you all.......

Friday, January 15, 2010

so here i am

so i figured if I am gonna have a blog, and be a little faithful to it, i will need to write more than one post per month.

the problem is, i don't really know what to write about. I mean i have a ton of stuff going on, as ia m sure you can assume from my last post. and yet it seems so jumbled i fear putting it into words here, i don't want to sound nuts or even worse.......whiny.

i applied for a new unit and am anxiously waiting to hear if i got the job or not. it would take off some of the stress that this current postion gives me. keep your fingers crossed, i feel the interview went well, but that was a week ago already.

little man is doing great, my mom is teaching him school now and that has been a tremendous thing for many reasons. you may remember my mom and i dont have the best relationship, but her and my son are two peas in a pod and when she offered to do it, i was overjoyed. he has learned more in the past two months than i have taught him alll year. and he loves the time with her. and she loves the time with him. she says she has a reason to get up now, and i get to see her and we are working on it, ya know?

the other stuff, well its just too much for now. but thankyou for coming back.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i admit it, i'm a slacker

so i know i have been mia for quite a while and i so very much appreciate you all thinkin gof me and wondering where i've been. i guess since i made my blog private, i have kinda slacked off. i'm not really too sure why, just that there have been so many things going on and tho no one but us is reading anymore I am still scared to share.
why would i be scared? i guess because if my husband reads it he will be mad. or because maybe you will all see how crazy i really am. or because it is painful to share. or well hell i don't know the list goes on and on.
so anyway, i will probably keep this short, partly because i don't wish to drag it out and partly because my patient is confused and i am still laughing at something he told me, and i need to tend to him.
i have taken off my wedding rings. i plan to move out in february. i am sad and confused and lonely and hurt and I know that my husband is all of those things too. I have been going thru therapy and hoping that he will get some help as well. that is why i have been absent. the end

now, on a lighter note.....
did you know that if it is 3 o'clock here, than it is 4 o'clock in korea and the surrounding areas. and that upstairs is 1-1-4 and don't get screwed out of your meals. now if you will kindly bring 4 cups of water and 2 cups of coffee, they can be reheated as we go along. the system is hard, so we aren't going to start over. and we aren't going over the head of this gentleman here because it is through no fault of his own that i am getting screwed out of my meals from 1-1-4.

at least that is what my patient told me.