Saturday, November 28, 2009

ok so here i am...

thankyou kristina for the vote of confidence. it has been a hard month for me so far. I am just beginning to learn all the things that i can no longer hide from and facing them is perhaps the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

add on to that back to work and school and still trying to maintain a normal household for the sake of my son. plus i am so used to doing for everyone else to keep them happy, that learning to do what makes me happy is super challenging. and then to not feel guility about it.....

work has been good tho, i have gone in with a new attitude, and making this page as well as my facebook private haas helped me feel like now i have some limits. or boundaries as my therapist likes to call them. he says i never had any before. so that is yet another first for me.

and still i find myself tending to pretend sometimes just so i dont have to explain myself. i guess i am a work in progress.

thanksgiving was nice and i spent black friday with my girlfriends. i should now be doing homework and cutting hubby's hair, but i wanted to get back into the swing of blogging a little more, i am such a good reader and such a bad typer.

well anyway, thanks for coming back to see your crazy bloggy friend:)

Friday, November 20, 2009

ok, here is the low down...

so i have been MIA for a while, with some sporadic here and there nothingness on here, and i feel that the people i have come to know and care for deserve better. I have loved having this blog and have enjoyed sharing my life with you as well as being a part of yours:) I had to make this blog private for several reasons, which i am sure will become obvious to you while reading this.

I will share what has been going on, but i want to be sure you know my reasons. i don't want pity, or sadness, i just choose to share with you as friends. because thats what we are right? friends:)i want you to know where i am coming from and i want you to keep coming back. god knows, so much of my problem comes from worrying too much about what other people think and basing everything i say and do on what it will make people think of me. So i hope you will take my story for what it is and keep coming back and realize that i am working to move past it and i don't want you to think of me only as someone with this problem, but as someone who you read their blog and they once went through this....

ok, enough rambling.....

so about 3.5 weeks ago, in the middle of my shift at work, a friend asked me if i was ok. My blood pressure had been pretty high for 2 weeks and i jsut wasn't feeling well that night. she is one of my dearest friends and after one look and that one simple question....."are you ok?" i just lost it.

apparently, when i do thigns i do them big, because i lost it in a big way.

I started crying and mumbling something about work and then she looked at me and she said "this isn't all from work, what is goin on?".

and that put me over the edge.

Between vomiting, crying uncontrolably and a bp that topped out at 190/120.....i was, as they say...


i was incoherently rambling and for someone who has never, NEVER lost control in their life, who prides themself on their control over everything and who sets the standard for herself very high.....i guess you jsut can't do that for 27 years and expect to come out ok.

so, my two dearest friends took me to employee health in the morning and i was given two options.

be committed to the pysch ward immediately

or do intensive partial inpatient treatment, meaning i get to come home at night and on the weekends.

so for two weeks, i came to the hospital everyday and stayed.

and talked.

and started some meds.

and remained in denial for a good bit of time.

and came home and continued to pretend that everything was fine.

I tried folks very hard.

i tried to hold it together and tell myself that this wasn't happening, but it was.

it is.

I am back to work as of tonight after 3 weeks off. i am seeing a therapist twice a week and i apparently do not have as much control as i thought.

there are so many reasons and i will share them with you, but i don't want to become a burden, one of those people that drones on incessantly about all the bad things because there are plenty of good things too.

I want to be someone who writes heartwarming and funny posts.

but i want to be real too.

and so for once in my life: here is real me.

thanks for reading, and i will be back on baord because, damn, i have missed you!!!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

ok, testing, am i private? i think i did it right....

so this will be my mini test run, to see if i am truly private. i am not sure what you would incur to try and get here, but i did send inites to those that gave me their email address. but before i fill you on in on why i have been so MIA, i want to test if this is truly private.

so lovely gals, let me know:)

Monday, November 9, 2009

going private

hello fabulous ladies:)

so i am gonna go private. i wish it didn't have to be that way, i enjoy being able to be myself on here and feel that many of you are dear friends to me despite having never met in real life. i follow you and cry with you and laugh with you and enjoy a peek into yourlives, as well as the sharing and caring and acceptance i have found here.
i want to be able to continue to be myself and share with you and tell you everything and be honest, but under such a public format it can become harmful to other areas of my life.
so, in order to go private and still enable those of you who desire to follow along, i need email addresses. once i go private, i can send an invite to you to read my blog and then you would log in.
if you are interested and you want to, please email me your email so i can invite you. if not, no hard feelings certainly, i understand, not everyone chooses to continue to read each blog they started out reading.
but for those of you who do, please email me as i intend to make this blog private by the end of the week.

love to you all

Thursday, November 5, 2009

yeah, i'm still here:)

so i know, i have been such a slacker......
i have been keeping up with you all, love reading about your lives, hearing about the things going on with you:) just haven't been able to find the time to get on here and actually say anything.

so many things have been going on, tho i am hesitant to post it on here. the reason being someone at work was recently fired immediately for posting something about work on their facebook page. it was about a patient or anything, but they are really cracking down on that stuff and since this blog isn't private and though i don't have my address or last name on here, if you knew me, you would easily be abel to identify me fromt hsi page. so my question to you all is., do you know how i can make it provate? accesable by invite only, or somehow block people from reading unless i want them to? i love having you all and i want to keep you of course i just want to be selective about anyone else accessing it.....

bloggy friends i miss you:)