ok, here is the low down...

so i have been MIA for a while, with some sporadic here and there nothingness on here, and i feel that the people i have come to know and care for deserve better. I have loved having this blog and have enjoyed sharing my life with you as well as being a part of yours:) I had to make this blog private for several reasons, which i am sure will become obvious to you while reading this.

I will share what has been going on, but i want to be sure you know my reasons. i don't want pity, or sadness, i just choose to share with you as friends. because thats what we are right? friends:)i want you to know where i am coming from and i want you to keep coming back. god knows, so much of my problem comes from worrying too much about what other people think and basing everything i say and do on what it will make people think of me. So i hope you will take my story for what it is and keep coming back and realize that i am working to move past it and i don't want you to think of me only as someone with this problem, but as someone who you read their blog and they once went through this....

ok, enough rambling.....

so about 3.5 weeks ago, in the middle of my shift at work, a friend asked me if i was ok. My blood pressure had been pretty high for 2 weeks and i jsut wasn't feeling well that night. she is one of my dearest friends and after one look and that one simple question....."are you ok?" i just lost it.

apparently, when i do thigns i do them big, because i lost it in a big way.

I started crying and mumbling something about work and then she looked at me and she said "this isn't all from work, what is goin on?".

and that put me over the edge.

Between vomiting, crying uncontrolably and a bp that topped out at 190/120.....i was, as they say...

A HOT MESS

i was incoherently rambling and for someone who has never, NEVER lost control in their life, who prides themself on their control over everything and who sets the standard for herself very high.....i guess you jsut can't do that for 27 years and expect to come out ok.

so, my two dearest friends took me to employee health in the morning and i was given two options.

be committed to the pysch ward immediately

or do intensive partial inpatient treatment, meaning i get to come home at night and on the weekends.

so for two weeks, i came to the hospital everyday and stayed.

and talked.

and started some meds.

and remained in denial for a good bit of time.

and came home and continued to pretend that everything was fine.

I tried folks very hard.

i tried to hold it together and tell myself that this wasn't happening, but it was.

it is.

I am back to work as of tonight after 3 weeks off. i am seeing a therapist twice a week and i apparently do not have as much control as i thought.

there are so many reasons and i will share them with you, but i don't want to become a burden, one of those people that drones on incessantly about all the bad things because there are plenty of good things too.

I want to be someone who writes heartwarming and funny posts.

but i want to be real too.

and so for once in my life: here is real me.

thanks for reading, and i will be back on baord because, damn, i have missed you!!!!!