Friday, April 10, 2009

it's freakin april, why is it still cold?

first let me say my bloggy friend melissa likes to talk so much has reached her 100th post! and her giveaway is freakin fabulous! she is seriously giving away the best stuff! go check her out here, and be sure to catch up on her blog, its great:)

it is finally friday and i am finally home for a bit. not that i just took a 3 week vacation or anything.....but since arriving home i have been working nearly non-stop. now i am done until tuesday night.

last night was dinner and a drink with the girls, which i very much needed since it was a long day:)

today my son is being extremely good, which i am quite thankful for. he is amusing himself quite well, taking a break every now and then to give me a kiss. it is much improved over his previous behavior. picture this....

i am sitting outside, it is night time. i am in my favorite postion which is a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. jerm is next to me, we are talking. dom is playing and suddenly stops. he starts looking at me with that face that says "i want to say something...."

i try and ignore that face. its mean i know, but my brain is really done for the day and i don't much feel like answering any questions.

he continues to stare at me and slowly, ever so slowly, he inches toward me.

i continue to not look at him.

he is much closer to me now, and it is in slow motion i can see him start to open his mouth.

it is at just that moment that my darling husband comes to my resue with " dom, leave mommy alone. she is relaxing"

he backs up and looks away, but sure enough, not even a minute later, he begins with that about-to-say-something face.

he starts to move around his father, looking like he is playing, but we both know he is actually inching toward me again, just out of sight of his father.

i continue being the good mommy i am, and drink my beer without making eye contact.

just as he reaches me again, and looks as though he is about to speak....

"dom, what do you want? i told you leave mommy alone. "

ha! saved by jerm yet again.

or so i thought.

i guess that little angel that i birthed decided he was fed up with waiting. he came and stood directly in front of me, made a funnel shape with his hand over his mouth and announced "attention mommy. a little bored."

several things went through my mind, including wow, he has some nerve, also ummm is this the most spoiled kid i have ever met? but mostly, i just laughed because, well it was just freakin funny that he wanted to let me know so bad.

it has been over a month since i have spoken to anyone in my family. that isn't the sad thing. the sad thing is i am not sad about it. i have struggled for years to overcome the way i grew up. the things that i was taught to believe and know. i am not saying it is the worst thing in the world. just not what i choose to believe now. or the way i live my life. my father, mother, younger brother and two younger sisters are all alike. they all think the same things, so the same things. but not me. i am the blacksheep. except kinda in a reverse way.

what i am wondering is this. does anyonne else struggle with this? does anyone else really not get along with their family, but pretend they do because underneath they love their family no matter what? does anyone else know that their family speaks poorly about them behind their back, but ignores it and pretends to believe them just once or twice a year when you see them?

i struggle with not wanting to be dishonest, but wanting to keep the peace so i can keep my family. i know, i am being so vague here. this is the first time i am ever even letting a bit of this side of me seep out. i don't want to open the flood gates.

on a more positive note, tomorrow is when we will dye easter eggs, and this is something i look forward to every year! i am so excited!

hope you are all enjoying the start of the weekend!
jineen

7 comments:

Kristina P. said...

My mom and I have no relationship. It's very cordial and cool. She is mentally ill and takes no responsibility for being a crappy parent. I totally get it.

Virtual hugs!

Becky said...

holy cow, you me and kristina must be relatives or something, from one gal to another, even if you dont have a "normal family" i am happy to have you as part of my blogging "family"

By the way, my parents put the dis in disfunctional so dont feel bad, anytime you want to vent I am here for ya!

Have fun dying eggs!!!

Vodka Mom said...

happy Easter!!!!

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

NO kidding - this is THE COLDEST April in this part of Virginia since we moved here - almost 20 yrs. ago - I'm ready for some warmth!! And regardless of "from whence you came" ~ YOU are YOU! and you can become what and whoever you want - You Go Girl!!!

Megan said...

What a little stinker. LOL

I can't say I have relationships like that so I don't really have advice for you. But lots of (((HUGS))).

Cat said...

Hey, just stopping by to see what ur up to..

Have an awesome day..

Heather said...

I have a sister that I haven't seen or talked to in years.

I can be nicer to a complete stranger than I can to her. She has sucked the life out of our mother, bleeding her dry of money, attention, time. Makes me crazy. So I decided to stop trying.

I can't stand drama. My life has been so much calmer since she's out of it.

I hope you can find peace with your decision, whatever you choose. You need to do what's right for you and your own little family.