ch-ch-changes

i have been here, but not these last few weeks, and i wish i had been better at keeping up on here. i love having this blog, and you guys who read me? i love you all too! but things have been strange, and so i have stalked all your blogs, keeping up on what has been going on, but haven't let you all in. it has been overwhelming, and i don't want my blog to become something people read knowing it will be whiny and complaining. but i feel i can come here and be me. so i will.

as i approach my 27th birthday in a little more than a month, (and yes i know i am still so young) i have been re-evaluating things.

i don't really know where to start and so i guess things will come out a bit mixed up and jumbled.

all my life i have been a "people pleaser". for one reason or another, i have always tried to make everyone happy, make everyone like me. if you didn't, well i took it as a challenge to bend over backwards for you until you did like me.

as a child, i did and said the right things and covered up for my family. i never wanted people to know that my parents dropped us off at church so they could go home and sleepoff their drug/alcohol induced hangovers. i certainly didn't want anyone to know that we (my younger brother and 2 younger sisters and i ) were homeschooled out of fear that we would give up my fathers drug selling business.

friends nearly never spent the night just in case they mentioned to their parents the constant line of people entering our house, going to my parents bedroom and then leaving all within 10 minutes, all night long.

we were not allowed on the phone for more than 10 minutes at a time just in case a "business" call came through.

as a teenager, i went to church and took my brother and sisters with me just to give them a few hours out of the house. i worked since i was 12 babysitting and then once i could drive a myriad of jobs. i helped to pay bills so we could keep our cable. i bought groceries so i wouldn't have to see my mom at the register put things back or choose between milk and kool-aid.

i didn't care though. i wanted my brother and sisters to never see how we almost went without food for 2 days, or anyone else to see that we shopped at goodwill. true, we had clothes and thats more than some, but i just couldn't bear for anyone to truly see the poverty we lived in. 10 different homes in the 18 years i lived with my parents.

i graduated highschool at the ripe old age of 16 so i could go to work full time. i paid for my car, insurance, clothes, food and gave money to my mother. i went to college full time. my curfew was 9pm. i went to church and did all the right things and said all the right things, just so people wouldn't look at me and feel bad for me.

Jeremy was the only one who knew the truth. and he still loved me. for me.

we married when we were 18 and it was the proudest moment of my life. and yet still i got the pity looks. most people thought i married him to get out of my parents house. i no longer choose to speak to those people. our church banned our marriage and we were not allowed back there.

at the age of 19, we became parents. our little boy was the light of our lives. we loved him even though he was broken. we cared for him, often going without to give him everything. and yet still the pity. the looks that made me feel i needed to do more so people would like me even though i had a sick kid.

we were both in school, caring for this child through out 3 surgeries and hundreds of thousands in medical bills. he was thriving and so were we. our family was growing and learning and we loved it. but still, our families, our few friends, they judged. they pitied. they wanted to know when we would get a newer car, or move out of our trailer. when would we stop being an embarrassment.

fast forward to now. we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year. our son is 7. we have both graduated. jerm stays home with our son, who cannot go to school. we don't do drugs, we drink alcohol responsibly. i love my job and have thrown myself into it. we love eachother. we are happy together. i still get those butterflies when i know i am coming home to jerm.

and yet i am still a people pleaser.

well, that whole story was to explain these last few weeks. i am done. i am exhausted of trying to make everyone else happy and still coming up short. i speak to my family who lives 20 minutes away a few times a year, and if i make the effort, i see them 2-3 times a year. my father is having a affair on my mother. with a 20something girl. she is the friend of my sisters who go out with my dad and this girl. my brother lost custody of his 2 children over a year ago to their maternal grandmother. he has done nothing to get them back. he has seperated from his wife. my sisters join my parents and my brother in doing drugs-everyday. they lie, cheat and steal. and they choose not to speak with me because they think -that i think-that i am better than them.

i call, i visit, i buy things for them. all to try and fit in with them. now they ignore me because my husbands best friend is my sisters ex. and we choose to still be friends with him.

i am finished with them. and yet i don't know how to do that. the co-dependence that they demand isn't who i am. and yet can i cut them off completely for self preservation? i cannot take the way they make me feel any longer. i cannot take them laughing at me when i call and they hang up on me. on 5/2 (next saturday) i will be forced to sit at a table with them during my uncles wedding. I want to be cordial. i do not want to feel bad and give in and act like nothing has happened.

at work. i have bent over backwards trying to prove to some people how hard i work. rumors still go around and accusations are still made. i have had to make a transition of sorts. i can no longer be everyone's friend. i have to make the tough decisions. people try and walk all over you when you try to be friendly. and then when things go wrong and someone is looking for someone to blame, they point the finger at you.

i resolved last weekend that this would happen no longer. we are there to work. not sit around and look at the computer or laugh and joke. you can have fun at work as long as the work is getting done. and no longer am i answerng for those that choose to do the wrong thing. i must say it didn't go over well the first night. by the second night i heard the word dictator being thrown around. but by the third night, when the work was getting done, and everyone was working together and i was showing (instead of saying) that i was willing to help, people starting thinking this might be ok. by the last night they stopped saying dictator and started saying leader.

it took so much for me to show it. so much to put my foot down and be done with someone saying whatever they felt like. it is hard to change from friend to boss. and yet i come home now feeling like i am satisfied. feeling like i am doing the best job i can. i know people will not always see it. but i am done pleasing others. i need to be true to myself.

i am so thankful for my husband and my son. they have remained the constant through these changes. they have remained lvong through these changes. jerm makes sure i know that i am not responsible for my family and their actions. that i am not to balme for the way they are. and that i cannot change them.

and i am thankful for all of you. thankyou for coming here and reading. and coming back.

i feel so much better to have this off my chest:)

now i am back. and truly better than ever.

hope you all are looking forward to the weekend!
jineen