Friday, April 24, 2009

ch-ch-changes

i have been here, but not these last few weeks, and i wish i had been better at keeping up on here. i love having this blog, and you guys who read me? i love you all too! but things have been strange, and so i have stalked all your blogs, keeping up on what has been going on, but haven't let you all in. it has been overwhelming, and i don't want my blog to become something people read knowing it will be whiny and complaining. but i feel i can come here and be me. so i will.

as i approach my 27th birthday in a little more than a month, (and yes i know i am still so young) i have been re-evaluating things.

i don't really know where to start and so i guess things will come out a bit mixed up and jumbled.

all my life i have been a "people pleaser". for one reason or another, i have always tried to make everyone happy, make everyone like me. if you didn't, well i took it as a challenge to bend over backwards for you until you did like me.

as a child, i did and said the right things and covered up for my family. i never wanted people to know that my parents dropped us off at church so they could go home and sleepoff their drug/alcohol induced hangovers. i certainly didn't want anyone to know that we (my younger brother and 2 younger sisters and i ) were homeschooled out of fear that we would give up my fathers drug selling business.

friends nearly never spent the night just in case they mentioned to their parents the constant line of people entering our house, going to my parents bedroom and then leaving all within 10 minutes, all night long.

we were not allowed on the phone for more than 10 minutes at a time just in case a "business" call came through.

as a teenager, i went to church and took my brother and sisters with me just to give them a few hours out of the house. i worked since i was 12 babysitting and then once i could drive a myriad of jobs. i helped to pay bills so we could keep our cable. i bought groceries so i wouldn't have to see my mom at the register put things back or choose between milk and kool-aid.

i didn't care though. i wanted my brother and sisters to never see how we almost went without food for 2 days, or anyone else to see that we shopped at goodwill. true, we had clothes and thats more than some, but i just couldn't bear for anyone to truly see the poverty we lived in. 10 different homes in the 18 years i lived with my parents.

i graduated highschool at the ripe old age of 16 so i could go to work full time. i paid for my car, insurance, clothes, food and gave money to my mother. i went to college full time. my curfew was 9pm. i went to church and did all the right things and said all the right things, just so people wouldn't look at me and feel bad for me.

Jeremy was the only one who knew the truth. and he still loved me. for me.

we married when we were 18 and it was the proudest moment of my life. and yet still i got the pity looks. most people thought i married him to get out of my parents house. i no longer choose to speak to those people. our church banned our marriage and we were not allowed back there.

at the age of 19, we became parents. our little boy was the light of our lives. we loved him even though he was broken. we cared for him, often going without to give him everything. and yet still the pity. the looks that made me feel i needed to do more so people would like me even though i had a sick kid.

we were both in school, caring for this child through out 3 surgeries and hundreds of thousands in medical bills. he was thriving and so were we. our family was growing and learning and we loved it. but still, our families, our few friends, they judged. they pitied. they wanted to know when we would get a newer car, or move out of our trailer. when would we stop being an embarrassment.

fast forward to now. we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year. our son is 7. we have both graduated. jerm stays home with our son, who cannot go to school. we don't do drugs, we drink alcohol responsibly. i love my job and have thrown myself into it. we love eachother. we are happy together. i still get those butterflies when i know i am coming home to jerm.

and yet i am still a people pleaser.

well, that whole story was to explain these last few weeks. i am done. i am exhausted of trying to make everyone else happy and still coming up short. i speak to my family who lives 20 minutes away a few times a year, and if i make the effort, i see them 2-3 times a year. my father is having a affair on my mother. with a 20something girl. she is the friend of my sisters who go out with my dad and this girl. my brother lost custody of his 2 children over a year ago to their maternal grandmother. he has done nothing to get them back. he has seperated from his wife. my sisters join my parents and my brother in doing drugs-everyday. they lie, cheat and steal. and they choose not to speak with me because they think -that i think-that i am better than them.

i call, i visit, i buy things for them. all to try and fit in with them. now they ignore me because my husbands best friend is my sisters ex. and we choose to still be friends with him.

i am finished with them. and yet i don't know how to do that. the co-dependence that they demand isn't who i am. and yet can i cut them off completely for self preservation? i cannot take the way they make me feel any longer. i cannot take them laughing at me when i call and they hang up on me. on 5/2 (next saturday) i will be forced to sit at a table with them during my uncles wedding. I want to be cordial. i do not want to feel bad and give in and act like nothing has happened.

at work. i have bent over backwards trying to prove to some people how hard i work. rumors still go around and accusations are still made. i have had to make a transition of sorts. i can no longer be everyone's friend. i have to make the tough decisions. people try and walk all over you when you try to be friendly. and then when things go wrong and someone is looking for someone to blame, they point the finger at you.

i resolved last weekend that this would happen no longer. we are there to work. not sit around and look at the computer or laugh and joke. you can have fun at work as long as the work is getting done. and no longer am i answerng for those that choose to do the wrong thing. i must say it didn't go over well the first night. by the second night i heard the word dictator being thrown around. but by the third night, when the work was getting done, and everyone was working together and i was showing (instead of saying) that i was willing to help, people starting thinking this might be ok. by the last night they stopped saying dictator and started saying leader.

it took so much for me to show it. so much to put my foot down and be done with someone saying whatever they felt like. it is hard to change from friend to boss. and yet i come home now feeling like i am satisfied. feeling like i am doing the best job i can. i know people will not always see it. but i am done pleasing others. i need to be true to myself.

i am so thankful for my husband and my son. they have remained the constant through these changes. they have remained lvong through these changes. jerm makes sure i know that i am not responsible for my family and their actions. that i am not to balme for the way they are. and that i cannot change them.

and i am thankful for all of you. thankyou for coming here and reading. and coming back.

i feel so much better to have this off my chest:)

now i am back. and truly better than ever.

hope you all are looking forward to the weekend!
jineen

7 comments:

Shannon said...

That's a lot to handle.

I know how the family issues can weigh on your mind. I say that, because I've never had a great relationship with my mother and for years we didn't speak. I finally broke down and emailed her one day, in hopes that maybe some of our relationship could be saved. Now, we speak maybe once a week and I've seen her twice in the past 8 months (she only lives an hour away).

When there are differences between you and your family, it can be hard to put those differences past you. By no means am I saying that you should forget about them and become BFF's with your family - what I'm trying to say is, you should do whatever is necessary so that YOU feel better about the whole situation. If you don't want to sit by them at the wedding or reception, then don't. Don't let some seating list make you do something you're uncomfortable doing. It wont ruin the Bride's wedding day or anything of the sort. You've got to do what is best for you. You don't have to sit there if you don't want to - if it's going to make you uncomfortable or anything of the sort.

I, too, have always lived my life for others - trying to please them. Finally, about 6 months ago, I said I'd had enough. It wasn't working for me. I was a nervous wreck, always worrying what I should do to avoid conflict, what others would want me to do, etc. I started living for me. If people can't accept that, then they have their own issues that they need to deal with.

Great job on the work situation. I work with several people who do not do their fair share and I've said many things to my boss about this - without fear of being a tattle-tail. It's ridiculous what people get away with - as long as you let them!

Also, your story is a very inspiring one. I've always believed that situations shouldn't dictate your life - that just because your family is a certain way, doesn't mean your "destined" or "stuck" and have to be the same way... If that made sense. So, I'm proud of all you've done - for you and your family. :)

Kristina P. said...

I so admire you! I too am a people pleaser, but I distanced myself from my family long ago, and am able to set really clear boundaries with them.

As I've gotten older, I've been able to do it better.

Hang in there!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

I can relate to alot of what you wrote..no I didnt have to deal with drugs and alcohol but I have always been the people pleaser too....and I have always delat with others and their opinions and even though it shouldnt really matter what they think sometimes it gets to me.....the best thing Ive learned in life is to be true to yourself...if your hunny and your son are what makes you get thru life then thats all that matters....dont let others even if its your family bring you down and dont ever feel that you owe them anything. If you dont feel comfortable sitting with them at the wedding then dont!!! Sounds like you;ve come a long way girl...keep it up!!!

GRAMEE said...

just know this..your blogging "FAMILY" we do not judge. we do not point fingers.. some may just read and leave. not comment but they can't read this with out this touching their hearts in a big way.
you are a better person for the decisions you have made. keep your standards high.
i love reading all about your family.. your son..
keep blogging, don't stop.

Becky said...

you have us to vent to or whatever you need, we are here and we dont judge.

l♥ve ya dear, here is a hug for you.

The Rambler said...

Oh Jineen.

I'm glad you were able to say and get that off your chest.

I was also the constant people pleaser and 30 (crap, I can't believe I'll be 34 this year) I had had enough.

I never told others how I felt. I was the one that always walked away frustrated and empty by keeping the real me inside.

Slowly but surely I changed things in my life and am happier for it.

I'm glad you found the man meant for you to love you.

Your son is blessed to have such loving parents.

Shame on those that don't see the real you.

I'm so glad to be part of YOUR bloggy neck of the woods :)

xoxo.

RamblingMother said...

Stopping by from SITS. You had to grow up way to fast, very understandable though. You should be proud of the way you have handled your life.