a monster has taken over the use of my body...protect your face and other vulnerable areas!

well ladies, the pms has hit me hard this month. i don't know what happened...maybe it is all the stuff going on with my extended family, or maybe i am just so tired of conforming......but something inside has reared its ugly head.

if you've been following along with me, you know i have been trying to be more of my true self. so few people get to see that side of me. but there is great girl in there. my whole life i have done waht others expected. the right thing. the thing that would save othe feeling of others. i have watched people say and do what makes them happy and expect me to follow along. i have kept my true feelings inside. especially if i am mad or frustrated. well, after nearly 27 years, i am tired of it.

i do not want to be censored anymore. i have bit by bit been trying to break out. it is hard for me to do and apparently even harder for others to accept. they think i am losing my mind. all i want to scream is no, i am not losing it, i am for once being my self. true to myself.

sadly the person who must bear the brunt of many things is my husband. i have been known to fly off the handle at the poor guy for almost no reason. (did i mention that i am also trying to quit smoking?) (yeah, great time to start that, right?)

yesterday i was missing my mom (no she isn't dead) and i was listening to a song and it reminded me of her. i updated my facebook status to reflect a quote of that song. at some point an old "friend" ( really an aquaintance) asked if i was ok, HON.

yup, she called me hon. i was beyond mad. i know sucha little thing, but she doesn't ever give me the time of day, read something that she took as a cry for help and wanted to be nosy. i laughed it off and showed hubby, who .....

agreed with her!

i was yelling in less than a second and storming thru the house slamming doors. he took her side. later on he explained that the quote actually made it seem like i was talking about him. so i understood his point, but at the same time, as long as he and i know we are fine, i do not want to be censored by what others may think!

but i gave in and took it off my status. i am still not happy about it, but i don't want my husband upset. i sent that girl a message letting her know i am just fine and really she shouldn't have worried about it like that. she hasn't said anything back. so i feel like i conformed.

i love music, and i like to express myself with quotes from songs i like. i cannot say to my mother how i feel. not yet. so getting it out in other ways makes me feel better.

anyway, how do you all get it out when you just can't confront the person?

more importantly, do any of you have pms times that make you feel like you aren't even yourself? seriously it is bad this month. i feel like crying or screaming at anything. poor hubby. i keep apologizing and trying to watch my mouth, but i guess in my new change of saying how i feel, the only person i am truly good at doing it to is hubby. again, poor hubby. i love him. he knows.

on a happier note, this weekend has been beautiful and i have so much enjoyed spending time with my guys. hope you are all having a great long weekend, and i hope the ugly pms monster is taking it easy on you since she is killing me:)

jineen

a lazy saturday:)

yup, day two of being at home continued with us just kinda being ourselves, together:)

we woke up at a late hour (i'm not gonna even say) (ok it was 1pm) (yes my kid sleeps in like that)....

and we had some breakfast...

after that we put on some sunscreen and headed outside......

we blew bubbles..(someone then chased them down with his shotgun) (it isn't a real shot gun)

got a sidewalk chalk tattoo from daddy....

kind of just ran around.........

posed with mommy......

and once again, ended the day with my little guy loving me up:)



it was a beautiful day:) we got some sun, some fun and some well spent time together:)

a picnic and the park:)

today we decided to say goodbye to our sun shunning ways and be awake during the day time! in fact since i was given last night off and don't go back untiltuesday night, i plan to enjoy every day this weekend! soak up some sun and some time and some affection from my two favorite guys!

so today we gotup and after paying some bills, we packed a super nutritious lunch that we made at home headed to wawa for subs and chips and sodas and then onto the park!

we walked around...

and goofed around......

and watched the little stinker play....

he made some new friends....and they followed him wherever he went....


he played and played......

and we ended the day my favorite way.....

lots of love:)

hope your weekend is as good as mine so far!

some ponderings...

here are some things i have been sitting around thinking about these past few days. in addition to work, you can see how very exciting my life is...



when we bought this new laptop, we fell for the ploy of accepted the offer of the free wireless card that came with it. and every month we have the joy of paying $69.99 for the unlimited use and convenience of having the internet anywhere we want. on the couch, in-between the 2nd and 3rd cushion, with your legs postioned just so and the laptop balanced on top, in between the hours of 3 and 4 am, on every other tuesday.



i just love the fact that my internet usage comes in and out at least 3 times each time i am logged on. i also love the fact that i signed a 2 year contract for it. thanks for a piece of shit and crappy service most of the time my free wireless card at&t!





alos, i haven't washed my face yet today. why not you ask? well because i am to lazy to get up and do while i am this comfy inbetween the 2nd and 3rd cushion on the couch trying to do my part and conserve water. however, i just felt my forehead and my hand came away with a rather nasty coating of....face grease? no wonder i started getting acne at the age of 26! i also became an oil rig. seriously, i need to stop typing and go wash this thing....



however it is obvious the lure of the free wireless card has me enslaved to finishing this post, alas oil removal will have to wait. i have noticed that while i have stuck with my exercise program for 6 months come tomorrow....weight loss is hard. yeah, i know, i am a genius for figuring it out. but seriously, it is hard! i haven't stuck with anything involving weight loss for more than a month before now, and i am so proud to come up on the day that marks #6 month!



of course the girl that sometimes spends her time on the elliptical in front of me and guinevere, on her cell phone, and reading a magazine, and stopping every 5-10 minutes to saunter over to the water cooler for a drink, weighing in at a whopping 105lbs. is totally motivating. when she waltz's in with her sports bra and scrub pants on which we are not even allowed to wear which look so fabulous i never have nasty thoughts about pushing her off her machine and laughing gleefully as she falls to the ground. i never imagine her sitting in bed for months recovering and gaining weight because she can't exercise because of her 2 broken legs. i would never think something so nasty.

i am also helping a dear friend plan her wedding for next May. I have emailed and searched countless places. it is a ton of work, but totally worth it. the thing that relly gets me scratching my head is why do so many palces have these packages that are supposed to make your wedding day perfect but also cost mroe than your home and if you want to change or only use some of their service, they aren't thrilled to have your business. don't get me wrong, i mean weddings are expensive. i know it. but in this economy, you would think that someone somewhere might understand that you don't really need that butlered egg roll service. cheese and crackers and fruit would be just fine. No, that one year membership to the next door museum of old car parts isn't really what i wanted...oh...you don't have a package that doesn't include that? no, thankyou 4 courses would be jsut fine, we don't need 8...oh, that's all you have?

my gym instructor is gone gone gone. on my 6 month day of dragging myself into the torture chamber getting fit and healthy, she is gone. we went to breakfast this morning where i thanked her for all she has done to encourage me and also to let her know the new guy may not be allowed to measure my body fat....

also, the best news that happened, work called me off tonight! i haven't been caclled off in almost a year and it seems like everyone else has had more than one turn, so i am glad it is finally mine!

hope you are all planning on having a great weekend!

jineen

a sweet treat just for you (without all the calories)

here are some pictures of the best things in my life:)

hope your week is going well!

dirty mouth? clean it up out!

I am sure you may know by now if you are following that I am trying to commit to a change in my life. I am so tired of people saying and treating me however they feel and expecting me to lay down and take it. it has caused so much inner turmoil in my life that i can hardly stand it anymore. a few times in the last few weeks i have been able to say what i wanted to, but it is so hard for me. usually someone is nasty or mean and then i say something to smooth it over and then go home and toss and turn instead of sleep. i think about what i should have said. mostly it doesn't even need to be mean, i just think of things that i could have said that would have shut them right up, or made them feel like and ass for even saying or behaving the way they did.

oh sure, i can be witty, approx. 1-2 hours after i have had time to think of what i should have said. oh yeah i can get my point across, but i generally sound like i am trying to make nice.

please don't get me wrong, i don't want to turn into some sort of nasty bitch who says whatever she wants. i would be no better than the very people that I despise.

what i do want to do is get it off my chest. i want to become better poised and prepared to say what needs to be said in such a way that the other person feels as though they want to apologize or leave me alone.

so, in the spirit of getting it off my chest, i give you....



Clean out your mouth !!!!!!!!!!!





tired of everyone else saying what they want? do you often think of just the right thing to retort only it is hours later? join me in cleaning up out your mouth!


this week i have encountered several times i need to cleanse myself of...

on sunday i decided to "stop by" on my way to work at my parents house to say happy mothers day to my mom and happy birthday to my sister. after standing at their door and knocking for 15 minutes, it seemed that they would not be answering the door. i knew they were there as i could see them taking turns peeking out the windows to see who it was. i guess they realized i wasn't going away because they finally opened the door. their excuse? oh, we thought you were a jehovah's witness. my response? oh, hahaha, that's funny.

i should have said " I am sure you saw me ehile peeking out the window and got worried i had my whole fmaily with me and that maybe i would go away but i really wanteed to see you. don't worry i am on my way to work so i won't be here long.


at work on monday night, a doctor who i am friends with stopped by to say hello. i had a pleasant conversation with him about his upcoming wedding and where he was transferring to so that he could be closer to his wife's job. afterwards a coworker approached me in front of everyone and let me know how inappropriate it was for me to be friendly with a doctor and that it didn't look good to anyone else. my response? " really? i was just talking to my friend....."

what i should have said " i know that you like to tell everyone here that i am a trouble maker, but it seems to me that you are the only one trying to start trouble today."


then at the end of the week, we had a wonderful employee celebration day and there was one person (incidentally the same coworker as above) who was so negative about the whole event that took months to plan, she said she wished they had just called her off so she didn't have to be there for it. i just walked away.



i should have said " it's a shame they didn't so that someone who would have appreciated it could have been here instead. oh yeah, please feel free not to take your gift or any food, since you didn't want it anyway."

so i guess you get the idea here? need to clean out your own mouth? feel free, i will try and get a mr. linky up so we can all share:) if this idea is something you all like i will try and do it every saturday:)

love to you all (p.s. i am using the picture above until i can find out how to make my own button...any hints?)

jineen

(also, please link to your actual post thanks)

the roller coaster continues....

dear friends it is friday! i am so happy it is the end of the week!

i am off until sunday night and kinda looking forward to just doing nothing. the weather is beautiful and i am planning on being outside and enjoying it with my little one:)

this week has been all over the place and though i feel like i am handling it better than last week, i also feel like will these emotions and sadness and happiness and anger ever all calm down?

the stupid bitch at work continues to be herself, and though she drives me nuts i have become quite adept at ignoring her. sometimes i think that is a good hting and other times i feel like i truly wish i could just put her in her place. the thing that keeps me sane is everyone else is pretty much feeling like i am so at least it isn't just me. i should clarify though that while i am the boss often at night, that only means i am in charge, but i am not acutally like the nurse manager boss, so even though i would love to fire her, i cannot.

in fact this week i wasn't even in charge at all, which was nice to have a break. i got to have my own little group of patients and take care of them for 3 nights. i got to know them and spend time with them and really feel like a nurse. it was great, even though a little old man who was half blind apparently couldn't make up his mind about me. first he would stare at my chest and tell me he needed some love, then he would call me "hey, my man!". when i told him i wasn't a man, he laughed and said" oh i didn't know until just now..."

i guess the funny parts are what keeps it moving.

yesterday we had our first ever employee appreciation day for just our unit. it has been being planned for months now and we were so excited to have it go so well. there is a committee of us who make decisions for our unit and help our nurse manager with projects and hospital wide committees, and we bought -shirts for our entire floor and had food and stuff all day long.

i have to say it really brought our floor together and made everyone feel pride to be apart of it. it was better than we even expected.

i have been a total slacker this week is exercising, it is friday and the only time i exercised was monday. i will get back on track though, i am gonna say it was a tough week and start anew.

i still feel like crying nearly every day. my parents wouldn't even open the door when i stopped by for a few minutes mothers day. it took 15 minutes of me knocking before they realized i wasn't going to leave. it was also my sisters birthday and i was going to work but wanted to say hi to them. they told me they thought i was a jehovah's witness and that was why they didn't answer. yeah, ok. i saw them looking out the window, and also i am white. oh yeah and also i was in scrubs and i look more like their daughter than a jehovah's witness.

whatever.

i am having a hard time sleeping. i think it in part is due to what is going on inside of me, but also due to the fact that my husband is not sleeping when i do. which means he comes in and out, waking me each time. i have tried to ask him not to, i think he jsut thinks he can be quieter next time. or he tries to wake me up for.....

and to be quite honest i hate being woken up when i am really tired for any reason. 3 times last night. i woke up today pissed about it because while i realize i slept for 12 hours, it doesn't really count when you are woken 3 times.

so....being tired makes me more emotional.

agghhh, a never ending circle.

on the other hand i made reservations for our summer vacation this week and you all know how much we love vacation! now i just have to figure out how to pay for it.......

oh yeah, can i talk to you for a minute about tires?

last friday on my way home from work i got a flat tire. only a mile or so from my house. so i called my husband and informed him i was on the shoulder of the road with my hazard lights on driving 20 miles an hour. he was like ok, are you gonna make it home?

blah blah blah, i made it home blah blah blah...

the point of the sotry is this....when we went to get a new tire.....

we went to walmart first and they knew what kind of tire we needed and could put it on for us and it would be $125.00. oh yeah, except, they didn't have the tire in stock.

ok, on to pep boys. they thought we would have to replace both rear tires so as not to screw up the alignment and that would be $300.00, except surprise surprise, they didn't have the tires either, but they did have a different kind, but id we wanted those then we would need to rplace all 4 tires and it would be $650.00.

um, no thanks.

so onto palumbo's. they did have the 2 rear tires and they agrreed we should replace both and they could do it right then.

$335.00 later, our tire problem was fixed.

WTF?

a stupid tire gets a flat and all day was spent taking care of it and finding out that alignment on a car is seriously important. or a seriously important excuse to get more money out of people.

my son now thinks is some hot shit because he helped mow and trim the yard yesterday and today there is more yard/house work on the agenda and he and my husband have been out this morning picking up supplies to perform these chores. he even convinced his father that they needed wendy's for lunch because workers always eat lunch out.

ha! little stinker, he sure knows how to manipulate.

and i will leave you with one final question. my husbands cousin is having a baby. sunday is her baby shower. they live in florida. so the shower was planned to be "remote" meaning we would all mail our gifts and they would take lots of pics of her opening them (of course local people would be there) and then post them on face book. i thought it was a cute idea, but now it is friday and i haven't mailed my gift. i guess i should be honest and say i haven't even bought the gift yet. i kept meaning to, but i seriously cannot get my behind in gear. so there is no way it will be there on time and quite honestly i wanted to get something really nice which i can't afford until i get paid next friday. so what should i do? ignore the date and pretend i forgot? fake being massively sick with the swine flu?

so, bloggy friends this post is far longer than i thought, and if you made it all the way through and are still reading you can sigh with relief, i am done:)

love to you all!
jineen

um,mmm....maybe i shouldn't post when i am drunk

so.....this week has been a haze.. so many things have happened and yet when i sit to type them out and it doesn't seem like much!

how can that happen? how can your life be so busy that you want to curl up on the couch drink til you puke and then pass out in bed for 18 hours, and yet when asked what happened you can't even say?

work was well....work, the highlight is that i truly love what i do. i know i know, it's getting emotional, but honestly, i do. i couldn't imagine myself being in any other position or doing any other job. i truly see my patients as people. who cares that they are a drug addict, i will never see how they got to that point, all i know is they are there because they need me. i value that.

there is a person at work that i just cannot stand. the feeling is mutual. she cannot even wlk by me without turning her head. that is the difference between us. i hateher. yup, i can count on my one hand the number of people i hate in this world and she is number one. and yet at work, i am there to be the boss. i can put my personal feelings aside and be professional. sadly, she can't. she makes it more than obvious that she hates me. she is rude and immature.

what the hell can i say to her. i am not a mean person by nature and also not quick with the comebacks so i don't know how to deal with it. i want to be boldand mature and also let her know, hey bitch when i am the boss, i am the boss, shut your f**kin mouth and do your job.

and yet i can never think of a witty comeback to her bullshit.

beyond that i am at a crossroads, so to speak. i am young and yet getting older, happy and unhappy. how do you make your way through that?

i read these blogs every day, i love hearing and sharing about you all, and yet, i feel as if i will never be that witty. and so i must learn to be content with the way i am. i am not quick and snappy, i am not sarcastic. i wish i were.

but i am me. i am just learning that is ok to just be me. if you don't like it tough, i have to be so i can be happy. my whole life i have been whatever was needed to fit the situation and fulfilled the job to the best of my ability but i can't.

i know you will all read this and have supportive comments and that will mean more to me than you know, and then i will look back and read it and wish i was funnier and better at everything.

whatever.

is it possible to have a midlife crisis at 26 and 9/10th's?

all i know is, the me that i am, the me on the inside, i kinda like that girl. i want her to come out more often.

mothers day is sunday, happy mothers day!

and also the sun is shining after 9 straight days of rain which is nice! and i got paid today which is also nice!

and my family is healthy ( mostly) and that is great.

have you ever felt like, geez when i think back about it, i have so much to be grateful for, why do i feel like this?

well anyway, enough with the whiny crap....

my 27th birthday is coming up and i am helping a very dear and beautiful friend plan her wedding for next year, and i am off for 2 days...

i am so thankful for you all and for this blog because even though i am so vague here i feel better already just for getting this out. and don't worry i won't be this melancholy for long.

i am also thankful that cammie and kristina p keep me cracking up and also shannon at it't trickey for being my running idol.

i wish i had the drive to link them, but i don't and i have to pee so you can look to see who i am following and it isw "life in the house of no sleep" and pulsipher predilictions" and it's trickey" repectively.

love you all and yeah and shauna, she always cheers me up!
happy friday:)

time to play catch up:)

I swear time is just slipping away from me every day. I really want to post about the last few days but i also really want to lay downon the couch because i am not feeling well. i think if i do lay down i amgoing to fall asleep which wouldn'tbe good considering i need to sleep tomorrow for work tomorrow night.....

this past week has just been full. not anything super exciting mind you but full. I started cleaning my sons room with him last week, and oh was it a chore! i am the kind of cleaner that i like to take everything out of the room, clean the space and then gradually sort and organize and put things back. this generally takes me a few hours and with the king of the world's room it is usually interupted about 107 times by him asking can i play with that now mommy? this is probably because this freakin kid has more than his share of toys and hasn't seen some of them since the last time we cleaned his room.

this time i decided at 7 years old, he should be able to do more than cheer me on while i cleaned. i also decided his collection needed to shrink abit. he was not happy at this prospect. so anyway, after listening to him teach me about how only teenagers have to clean their rooms and not 7 year olds, i gave up 6 hours into it. this means there was a pile my height in the middle of the room and me laying on the floor too tird to do any more. i guess he got sick and tired of waiting for us to finish because yesterday ( yes a week after we started) he proudly called me into his room to show me that he had finished himself.

every toy was pushed up against the wall making a rather pleasant "toy frame" around the room. but the center was clean and he had room to play. good enough for me!

I have continued to exercise, but i admit it isn't going to happen today, i am so freakin tired and sick.

friday night i got to have dinner and movie night with the girls and we started planning my friends wedding for next may! i am so excited about it, one because i am in the wedding and 2 because i love planning stuff!

saturday was my uncles wedding and it was so much fun. maybe that's why i am so sore.....open bar and dancing for hours.....

i was able to stand my family for the brief time they were there.

i sat down at the table and pretended i didn't see them. my mom managed to catch my attention and motion me over. i shook my head no like a 3 year old and motioned her my way.

she sits down and asks me if i have been nosy looking through her information at the hospital. i try to contain my anger and let her know that is illegal and no i do not look at her info. she asks if i am sure. i ask her what exactly is she getting at.

she tells me that she went to the doctor and they did a biopsy. for cervical cancer. she didn't want to tell me because i am a worrier.

i tell her that is bullshit. she should have called me. it would be better to have something to worry about than sit there wondering why i am not a part of our family.

she says that is silly.

i tell her she should have called me.

she says my father isn't handling it too well because his mom died of cervical cancer.

i say tough shit, it isn't about him. i tell her she should have told me so someone could go with her. god knows no one in my family but me ever steps up. she says it isn't that serious yet. she'll find out in 2 weeks. i tell her i love her and i expect a call in 2 weeks.

the ceremony starts and she goes back to her seat without saying anything else. i guess i won't hold my breath.

my sisters and i avoid eachother. they point out to my husband that i am not speaking ot them. he tells them maybe you should make the effort. we continue throughout the meal without speaking.

at the end of dinner i get up to use the bathroom. i tell my mom and sisters that my son is upstairs and they are welcome to stop by and see him. i get back from the bathroom and they are gone.

the cake hasn't been cut, the dancing and celebrating hasn't begun and they are gone. no goodbye. or maybe it is jsut the goodbye i should have expected.

whatever. i can honestly say that even though it didn't go how i always hope it will, i feel that at least i let my feelings be known and didn't just give in and get myself hurt like every other time.

yesterday i went to the dentist, i was dreading it all weekend and it was only a cleaning.....which didn't turn out too bad, but somehow i find myself going in today to have 3 fillings...

how did that happen? if i am dreading a cleaning how did i let them talk me into fillings. 3 of them, the very next day?

and also on that note, i swear, i had no dental care during my childhood, and went only once or twice up until 2 years ago. i never really had problems with my teeth. now i have been going faithfully every 6 months and getting my cleanings, and i swear that i have had more cavities in the last few years than ever before.....

so how have you all been? managing to stay away from swine flu? we haven't had it at my hospital yet.....knock on wood......

just waiting for this rain to stop and some sun to come out, trying to get a summer vacation planned and trying to get some sleep! some day it will happen!

hope you are all having a great week and if you hear screaming this morning around 9:20, don't worry, it's just me at the dentist.