a monster has taken over the use of my body...protect your face and other vulnerable areas!

well ladies, the pms has hit me hard this month. i don't know what happened...maybe it is all the stuff going on with my extended family, or maybe i am just so tired of conforming......but something inside has reared its ugly head.

if you've been following along with me, you know i have been trying to be more of my true self. so few people get to see that side of me. but there is great girl in there. my whole life i have done waht others expected. the right thing. the thing that would save othe feeling of others. i have watched people say and do what makes them happy and expect me to follow along. i have kept my true feelings inside. especially if i am mad or frustrated. well, after nearly 27 years, i am tired of it.

i do not want to be censored anymore. i have bit by bit been trying to break out. it is hard for me to do and apparently even harder for others to accept. they think i am losing my mind. all i want to scream is no, i am not losing it, i am for once being my self. true to myself.

sadly the person who must bear the brunt of many things is my husband. i have been known to fly off the handle at the poor guy for almost no reason. (did i mention that i am also trying to quit smoking?) (yeah, great time to start that, right?)

yesterday i was missing my mom (no she isn't dead) and i was listening to a song and it reminded me of her. i updated my facebook status to reflect a quote of that song. at some point an old "friend" ( really an aquaintance) asked if i was ok, HON.

yup, she called me hon. i was beyond mad. i know sucha little thing, but she doesn't ever give me the time of day, read something that she took as a cry for help and wanted to be nosy. i laughed it off and showed hubby, who .....

agreed with her!

i was yelling in less than a second and storming thru the house slamming doors. he took her side. later on he explained that the quote actually made it seem like i was talking about him. so i understood his point, but at the same time, as long as he and i know we are fine, i do not want to be censored by what others may think!

but i gave in and took it off my status. i am still not happy about it, but i don't want my husband upset. i sent that girl a message letting her know i am just fine and really she shouldn't have worried about it like that. she hasn't said anything back. so i feel like i conformed.

i love music, and i like to express myself with quotes from songs i like. i cannot say to my mother how i feel. not yet. so getting it out in other ways makes me feel better.

anyway, how do you all get it out when you just can't confront the person?

more importantly, do any of you have pms times that make you feel like you aren't even yourself? seriously it is bad this month. i feel like crying or screaming at anything. poor hubby. i keep apologizing and trying to watch my mouth, but i guess in my new change of saying how i feel, the only person i am truly good at doing it to is hubby. again, poor hubby. i love him. he knows.

on a happier note, this weekend has been beautiful and i have so much enjoyed spending time with my guys. hope you are all having a great long weekend, and i hope the ugly pms monster is taking it easy on you since she is killing me:)

jineen