ok, i'm gonna pour my heart out edition one

first of all i want to say thankyou for all the support, everyone who has assured me they will read this post, you have given me th courage to share in a way i don't think i ever have. i am afraid i may be somewhat all over the place with this story and also, i hope i don't scare you away or put anyone out. i will be as honest and as open as i can, seeing as i have never shared all of this with anyone but hubby:)

i must warn you ahead of time, this may be a heavy post (and also comical at times,)and it isn't what i want you to come to expect from my blog, i love to share here, and keep it light and amusing, because that's what life is, but i guess it can also be more sometimes, anyway i am rambling on and i should just get started....

speaking of which, i don't really know where to start....

i guess, maybe if you've been reading you know that my hubby and i met at a very early age, and have been together ever since...

we uh...started screwing got to know each other better when he was 16 and me 15. young, yeah i know. but the point of that is we didn't use any birthcontrol or anything else the entire time we dated.

then we turned 18 and just figured we might as well get married, we knew we would be together forever. then we started to use birth control. most of the time. ok once.

shouldn't be surprising that we ended up pregnant in late april. married only 7 months, and a baby on the way. we were living in tennessee at the time, but had decided to move back home to delaware right before we found out. we had no idea then how good of an idea it was.

right away things weren't good. at my first docotrs appointment, they couldn't detect the hcg levels that they should. i had taken 4 home pregnancy tests, but was told to come back in 2 weeks.

at that appointment, they did an intra vaginal ultrasound which is about the most unpleasant thing ever. they saw an amniotic sac, but no baby and no heart rate. at this point i was supposed to be 6 to 8 weeks along and both should have been detectable. they looked and looked. nothing. we were told that the pregnancy was a loss and to go home and wait for the bleeding to start. come back in 2 weeks, if i hadn't expelled all of the fetus, they would do a d and c.

i went home in somewhat of a fog, not really knowing what to think, but very sad. i was only 19. i waited. and by that i mean went to the bathroom at least once an hour, and checked and checked and checked. nothing. 2 weeks later i went back and they decided to do one more ultra sound, just to be sure.

thank goodness.

there was the heart beat.

i was so relieved. it never occurred to me that they almost just killed my baby. only that i was thankful it was there at all.

at 16 weeks, we went to find out the sex of the baby. i was sure it was a girl. the technician asked us were we ready to find out...

"you guys are having a .....boy"

i fell in love instantly.

we had thrown a few names around, but when we got home, we decided on Dominic. it was his name and no other would do. we told everyone, and began to put his room together. we were so poor back then, it took alot of planning, alot of saving, but we were determined. i was working part time at a cafe my parents owned, jerm was working as a pipefitters apprentice.

shortly after, i had a falling out with my father, resulting in him pushing me and me falling. this is hard to write as i have never told anyone besides my husband who nearly landed himself in jail defending me.

i had a bit of spotting, but was ok in the end.

i quit my job and stayed home. that turned out to be a good idea. sort of.

i got a new job which involved me eating my heart out while spending time with my two new best friends.....jerry springer and maury povich.

i gained about 20 pounds in a month. by 5months, i went to the doctor and was having small contractions. not good. i was told to take it easy ( yeah cuz i was working so hard...)

at 7months, i reconciled with my father, and we were out to dinner one night with friends, when i had some contractions that were soo painful, i couldn't take a breath. we rushed to the hospital. i was 1-2 centimeters dilated. they stopped it. turns out i also had a major first in my life.....yup you guessed it, my first yeast infection, i was so excited i can't express it.

anyway.......

i gained some more weight...and by more i mean 50 more pounds. and by the time i was 8 months along i had gained over 100 pounds.

i was due january 21st, but at a doctors appointment on january 2nd, i was told my blood pressure put me into the catergory of pre-eclampsia and to get my ass to the hospital. my grandmother drove me. they did some blood work and decided to take the baby that day.
jerm met us there and so it began.

i really can't complain, i had 12 hours of labor, and after 15 minutes of pushing, they decided that although i was a big fat whale of the larger size, my bone structure was actually pretty small. an episiotomy was in order. up, down, side to side, and 1 push later he literally flew out of my body. (100 stitches later...)

he is perfect. beautiful. all you mothers know, words cannot express. i never loved my husband more. i never loved my son more. oh yeah, he was a few weeks early and also weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs. 7 oz.!

i went to the icu for a bit, my blood pressure was still up and i was hemmorrhaging a bit. baby was fine though :)

nesxt day, we are reunited in the regular maternity ward and all is well. so he was born at 3:21 a.m. jan 3rd (thursday) and by thursday night they are plannig to send us home friday.

friday morning the house doc checks out baby and gives him the ok to go home.

at 8 am our pediatrician comes to check him out. (some don't but the one we picked does, thankgoodness)

he discovers a problem. i don't really know what he came in and said, but it was something about the baby being sick and needing surgery. a specialist would be in later to explain. get my husband in now.

i called our house like 1,354,365,345 times. no answer. jerm was sleeping soundly.

the specialist comes in. the baby is sick. belly full of stool. no bm since born. needs surgery. transferring to A.I.dupont childrens hospital. sign here.

i am sure he said a lot more, but for some reason all i remember is that he was from india and he had on a bolo tie that had turquoise in it.

anyway, hubby finally comes in and i tell him what little i know. he breaks down, family gets there, we tell them. go to see little dom one last time and he is gone to childrens hospital.

meanwhile, the docs are not letting me go because my blood pressure is back up. can't imagine why.....
oh yeah and they leave me in the room with a room mate who has her screaming baby there, and i CAN'T HAVE MY BABY!

a very nice nurse comes in to check one last time. she looks at me and says, listen jineen. i have 5 kids at home. i know you are scared. i will come back in 5 mins to check. try and relax.

she comes back, blood pressure still not down.

she writes down numbers that are completely false.

they discharge me.

i get up to A.I. hospital just as they are prepping dom for surgery. they letme hold him. i look in his beautiful face and tell him i love him and that mommy will be waiting.

we go to the waiting room and i am stuck in a wheel chair because of those fabulous 100 stitches....

my dear bloggy friends at this point, i broke down. i am always one to put on a brave face. to suck it up and keep it going. i hadn't cried yet. not when they told me he was sick. not when they said it was life threatening. not when hubby cried. not even when i said goodbye to my baby who didn't even feel like mine.

i wheeled myself into a corner and lost it. i refused everyone to even be near me. i felt more alone than i ever had in my whole life. i was in pain, and tired and scared and alone. and whats worse, i kept thinking how easy it would be to jsut walk away from it all and pretend it had never happened.

now please don't think i am the worst mother ever. i didn't want to walk away. but i didn't feel like a mother. i didnt feel anything. i could get up and leave, and it would be like i never had a baby at all. i was alone.

at one point i let my husbands cousins wife talk to me. she kneeled down and looked up in my face, and all i could say was "do you still love me?".

i don't know why i asked it. she and i are pretty good friends, and knew eachother pretty well, but i guess it was just what i wanted to know.

she looked back at me and said " of course i do."

i didn't say much else, but i came out of my corner. looking back, i guess i thought people would look at me different. like i couldn't even make a baby right. or that didn't deserve to have a kid. or whatever. i don't know.

anyway, he came out of surgery ok, but with a new pleasant edition. a colostomy bag. folks, i never remember my kids tummy without it. never saw that smooth skin. always the bag, and now a large scar. but whatever, i shold be grateful he was ok.

he was bigger than all the rest of the kids in the nicu, and they called him the fatty. the nurses were great. they let us stay the first 2 nights and we got to hold him whenever we wanted.

a week and a half later, we got to take him home. it was mid january and we had no money, but it was the first time we put the heat on all year. we had a fire place to keep warm, but didn't want to risk the fire going out.

anyway, they never did show us how to change the colostomy bag, and the first time we had to do it, we were terrified. but we learned. we became pro's even. and life became ok. like hey yeah, he has this bag but it's gonna be ok. we loved having him home. he slept, and i slept. and we loved it. our little family.

and i am gonna stop here. for now. i have been typing and typing, and i have a ton more to share, but this is all i have for now.

i hope i haven't scared you, or caused you to pull your hair out bored you to tears.

thankyou for listening though, you truly are fabulous!

now i am gonna have some southern comfort and have a love affair with my pillow, before heading into work at 11pm tonight:)

jineen