Thursday, March 5, 2009

you asked......i am answering

ok, it's time for the dirty little secrets truth to be told:)

i guess i'll use the format that everyone else did...(yeah i know, i am so original)

so....

melissa says: Cammie is the BOMB!!! Did you know she likes wine? :P

What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

melissa, you are right, cammie is the bomb! and i think we should ALL like wine! as far as the one thing i could change about myself? well, there are several superficial things i could say, but i guess i will take it deeper than that, i would say my fear of people not liking me. i would change it because i think it hinders me from being honest. i find myself in friendships that i am not honest in, choosing instead to keep things smooth. or it can also hinder how i present myself. i think i am honest about what i like or what i don't, but i sometimes struggle to openly admit that i am against something or disagree for the sake of keeping the friendship. being selfconscious or feeling like you are aren't bringing your equal half to the friendship can keep you from having the best one you can. i have been working on this, and finding either one of two things happen, people walk away from you and realize that since they aren't getting what they want from you, they don't need you. or...they stay and like you better for your honesty. my circle of friends is smaller, but truer.

cammie says:first off.....mmmmmm Hot pockets. I used to LIVE on these and Ramen Noodles in college....

okay, a question.....Tell me about your BEST childhood memory.....

cammie yeah, i still love hot pockets, and no i still haven't had one....and i like ramen noodles, but without all the seasoning they put in it...

my best childhood memory? i was 3, and my mom and dad (21 and 22) took me with them and their friends to some park (not playground but nature like) and there was this big ass stream and it had boulders in it the size of boats. we climbed and swam all day, everyone was happy and relaxed. then at the end, someone had shot out the wondows of the cars with a beebee gun and no one got mad. we all just pakced up and went home and still had a good night. it is one of the only times i ever remember my parents being so relaxed with out drinking alcohol, and also not flipping their lid and ruining the day just because somethng bad happened.(they do not remember where the park was.)

kristina p. says: What is your favorite movie of all time? And what is your favorite thing about me?

my favorite movie of all time? the wizard of oz. hands down. why? well i always used to be sure that some day i would step out my door and be in oz and away from my childhood. it was such a magical movie for me.
my favorite thing about kristina p. ? why her snuggie of course :)

just a chic says: Why do you feel like you struggle to be a Christian? What is it that you think you should be doing better or different?

My son passed away from neuroblastoma. During his chemo treatments people used to stare at him. Do people ever realize that your son has this illness? If so, do they stare? How does it make you feel?

whew, ok here we go.... (these questions represent a somewhat raw part of me so i warn you, the serious side of me is here)

i feel like as a christian, i am in an inbetween place. i grew up with religion forced down my throat by hypocritical parents and went to church to get away from them. i used it as a way to see friends, and really didn't "get" the idea of God. i mean i kinda did, but not really. now i have to support my faith on my own. i hate the way most churches have become and the judgement that comes along with organized religion. and yet i hold my faith to Jesus Christ as something that although tested frequently, doesn't waver. i fight to be in this world but not of it. i love earthly things and yet i know i shouldn't value them as i should God. i do not force it down others throats, and i am open to and supportive of others' religions. but i struggle constantly to be Christ like and still keep myself. i think there are many things i could do differently like going to church, helping others come to Christ, and yet i feel that this world has seen so much judgement from my fellow christians i am afraid they will say i am doing the same.

i read the story of this girls son, and while it brought tears to my eyes, it is one of the most bitter sweet stories. she got to do things her sons way. and though it has a sad ending, and i do not know her beliefs of the afterlife, i feel in my heart this little boy is in heaven with God, eating KFC in a perfect body, waiting to see his mom again some day. she is the strongest person i "know", and i sit in awe of the way she tells the story and handled herself.

some day i will write my own story of my sons illness, would that be something you would all read?
but for now i will touch on her questions. no, at this point people do not know my son is sick unless i tell them. he looks perfectly happy and healthy on the outside. when he had his colotomy bag, i often had stares, and one brazen woman tell me i shouldn't take him out in public like that. i quickly told her to go fuck her self that it was saving his life. but at this point no one knows. i often choose not to share his story because i do not want pity from people. i just want regular support and friendship, and sometimes a listening ear.

his illness gives me so many emotions and i couldn't tell you all of them if i tried. but mostly its either a good day and i am not noticing it and we are living life normally, or its a bad day and i feel like i have to paste a smile on my face and pretend like it will all be ok. i never, never want him to feel sorry for himself, or use his illness as an excuse.

so i guess that is all for now. i feel wiped out just from typing all this:) i hope you didn't get too bored reading, or think i am a religious fanatic, and let me know, if you all would be interested in reading about my sons life:)
love to you all
and thanks for always coming back!
happy thursday!
jineen

5 comments:

The Rambler said...

Wow.

You write. And I will read! It's a guarantee promise!

No pity party like you said. Just another gal showing you lots support when you need it!

:)

Can I say I used to be just like the person you described. Too scared to say what I really felt. For fear of losing people. One day, while pregnant, tired and over people's crap. I spoke my mind. People listened. And they stayed. I realized that I didn't care (okay just a little) if they didn't. It was almost free'ing of the mind and soul just being able to voice my own opinion/dislike on something.

Can I say how much I love your two gals Cammie and Melissa? Awesome ladies!

Just A Chic... said...

I also used to shy away from giving my true opinions and saying what I really thought. But in the end I felt like no one REALLY knew me. I decided to put faith in people and let them get to know who I truely am. I have no regrets. I've lost a few people along life's path but the ones who stuck around I KNOW love me.

My struggles with Christianity are quite similar to yours. Although I have no faith in organized religion I have an abundance of faith in God.

And yes...I know Christopher is in heaven enjoying his KFC. :-)

I would love to hear more about your son. Everything he's facing today will make him a stronger man tomorrow. Adversity builds character.

Cammie said...

ditto Rambler. I will read whatever you write. and when you are ready to share about your son I know I will be here to read it too!

Kristina P. said...

I love your blog! It's so real and truthful!

And that's so funny you love the Wizard of Oz, because I hate that movie!! It sort of freaks me out.

Megan said...

Thank you for sharing!

I'm following you now so if you want to share about your son, I'll read. I'll read whatever you choose to write. =)