Wednesday, May 19, 2010

this format seems to work for me....

Dear god,

though i know that you already know how i am feeling there are soem thigns that i would like to discuss with you and since i know y ou wont be answering back, just listening whole heartedly, i am gonna let it flow.

I am such a mix of emotions, some days i dont even know which way is up. I am mad because i feel like i have very little control over things. you know how much i like and need control. maybe thats why you have taken it away from me. not too sure, but i want you to know how uncomfortable it makes me. i overdrew my checking account today to put gas in my car and it has had me pissed off ever since. i knowingly did it and i have very good reasons, this you know because i am very good with money normally except this past week when i just can't quite squeeze enough off tha money tree.

be patient you say? relax and let you handle it god? well im sure thats a good theory but i know you wont be the one paying that overdraft fee or feeling guilty that for once in you adult life you messed up your bank acocunt.

i am sad because there are moments when i miss my ex husband so much it hurts. just little things, or vacations. it wasn't all bad you know and though alot of it was, i do miss the dream of what we could have been. what? yes lord i know i tried my hardest for years, but doubt has a way of washing over me and sometimes i am afraid i am gonna drown in it.

i am scared because i do not know what the future holds. my son and i are good right now, but who wants to be alone forever? who wants to go through learning about soemone else and hoping they want to learn about you too? i am feeling downright cheated right now that you didn't give me a mate that i could have stayed with my whole life. the one you gave me was defetive and i am tired of getting the short end of the stick.

i am also thankful. thankful for my health. thankful for my son and my family and my friends (esp my bloggy friends who know that i am writing this only to vent and not to complain)....

well, lord i guess i have said enough for one day. thanks for listening. i'm sure i will be back,


Kristina P. said...

I know he's listening. Hang in there.

GRAMEE said...

If it helps, I am with Kristina.
He is listening.

I know you'll be ok..