Saturday, May 29, 2010

i won but we all lost really.....

dear you again,

so we went to court yesterday. i showed up 20 mins early, you weren't there. the court ruled in my favor through default and just as the bailiff was showing me into the judge to sign the papers, i almost ran headfirst into you. At first i was upset, you were 20 minutes late and i didn't feel like dealing with all of this to begin with, especially on my birthday.

but then the mediators asked me what i wanted. i said full custody and i want you to leave me alone.

you, i really thought you would fight. no way were you giving me full custody without visitation. i told them i was sure you would request visitation of some kind. and i would have agreed. i want you to see our son, i want you to be the dad i know you can be.

but you didn't even fight.

as i am sitting here typing this, tears are pouring out of my eyes because you gave up on your son. the next time you see him, he will be 9 and a half. you will miss him swimming in the pool, halloween, christmas. you won't be there for his birthday or easter. he won't even get to celebrate fathers day with you this year.

i may have won in court, but we all lost. the only thing you requested was phone contact, didn't you see how readily i agreed to that? didnt you remember i said i wouldn't take your son from you and i meant it?

even now, you haven't tried to call him. its been three and a half weeks since you've seen him. my heart is breaking for both of you because i know that you love your son.

you, he misses you. please, i didn't ask for child support, i didn't ask for restitution, please, work hard at your job, complete your classes and get it together. there is a little boy living with me who needs us BOTH to take care of him.

hoping and waiting,

dear you's mother,

i texted you today to tell you that even though your son gave up his son, that i want you to be a part of his life. that i would never keep him from you. i told you that he and i both love you and miss you. i said that even if you didn't want to see me anymore, that i wouldn't make it uncomfortable for you to see dom. i apologized for things getting nasty even though it isn't me or you making it that, it is your son. but you have been in my life for so many years, i didn't want to lose you, or your family.

i don't know what he is telling you, i can't imagine it is anything good. i doubt it is the truth either. but i trust that you know him well enough to know that. i trust that you can see for yourself the way he is acting.

all i am asking is that you don't forget about your only grandson who misses his best friend/uncle.

i saw that after i texted you, you sent texts to your son. but you didn't answer me. i humbled myself and put it out there to try and keep the relationship open. i don't know what else i can do.

i miss you and love you,

dear god,

i am so sad right now and i dont know what to do.

dear family, friends and bloggy peeps:)

thankyou so much for the birthday wishes and thoughts! i truly had a great day:) love to you all

Thursday, May 27, 2010

tomorrow is a big day....,.

Dear Judge,

Sir/ma'am, i would jsut like to ask you to seriously consider my request for a standing PFA for both myself and my son. I know that this means for a year my ex won't be able to see us, but i am willing to modify the order so that he may have contact with our son via phone.
the problem is judge, after really truly spending the last few wweks thinking hard about what i honestly believe is best for my son, i have concluded that being around his father right now is both unsafe and unhealthy.
He has no electricity, no money, no food and no desire to care for a child. He is hateful and mean and trheatening and yes i have proof of all those things. I have phone calls and texts and physical witnesses to violence, and facebook postings and my own testimony.

i want to do the right thing here, so judge please, make him get some help. force him to get some help. i want our son to know his father, but this isn't him....

thankyou judge,

dear friends and family,
in 15 minutes i will be 28. it is my first birthdya after having moved out. it will be the first time i must do everything for myself for my birthday. i hope it doesn't sound selfish but birthdays are kinda a big deal to me and i always ty to celebrate for other a ton. so please, all i am asking is don't forget me today, i need you all:)


Dear sunshine,
ever since i laid out that one day you have since been MIA. I want you to know it is nearing the end of may and it is past time for you to start making a dialy appearance. you see i am working on whats called a base tan.

the pool opens this weekend and i have no desire to be glowing in the dark at that time.

please co-operate

dear dominic,

when you called me into your room the other day and you had your globe under your shirt and told me you were pregnant and you and mommom were having a babyshower later, i was stuck kinda between shocked and peeing myself.

for one thing you are a boy and for another your sudden obsession with pregnancy is hilarious. mommy isn't havinga baby right now so you took it into your own hands. i am laughing my ass off and i don't know what i would do without you:)

Love you forever

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

somethings an dthen some more things......

dear you,

yup another bit of wasted space to get out my frustration with you. it jsut keeps getting better and better with you. today you texted my sister to ask if i could put you on my car insurance because you got pulled over and ticketed for driving with out. and you now have a court date. and you want me to pay for it but you will pay me back later. and you need the proof by friday.


i ignored it at first because quite frankly i was shocked you would even ask. then you texted the other sister to see if i got the message. i let you know that i was sorry but i was unable to help you and you just ran with that talking about being f*cked over and needing help and i made you look like a scumbag for publishing our court date in the paper (of course if you had shown for the court date that wouldn't have happened).

i am honestly at a loss. you are mean and nasty and hateful, you have some other kid sleeping and vomiting in my kids bed, his whole room smelled. you have some other womans dirty bloddy underwear in the bathroom, no food just beer in the fridge and you havent paid you electric bill in months.

and you want me to send my kid there?

you want me to pay your rent and your car insurance and your cell phone, well hell, i might as well open up a mens shelter and let every wife beater out there come live off of me.

kiss off,


dear mom,

you have taken care of my son for me the last two dayas so i could finally get some sleep because i am having a hard time calming down lately. i appreciate you more than you could ever know and i know that you think i am helping you out a ton by letting you stay with me, but really it is nice to jsut have my mommy there when i am going thru all this bullshit and to have someone who loves my son helping out.

you are encouraging and loving and so good for me to be around.
i love you mom,

dear sister,

you make me laugh everyday. even when i am having the shittiest day ever and just want to hide, you pull out the cigs and we have a smoke and i get it off my chest and you haev me cracking up and peeing my pants within a few minutes. even when i was quite pissy with you last night, you forgave me instantly and loved me still.

remember when we were kids and use to sit at the dinenr table trying to be quiet so dad didn't yella t us and then you'd start laughing and then we'd all start laughing? we always got in trouble but we always had fun.

(p.s. sorry for that time i hung your baby dolls by moms sewing thread from the ceiling and told you they committed suicide because they didn't like you anymore. that really wasn't nice of me.)

love ya forever,

Monday, May 24, 2010

to you and you and you

Dear patient in 523,

Remember when i entered your room all smiles and cheer and i asked you how you were doing? and remember how you looked at me and said "listen here lady, i'm miserable and it's gonna be a long night". Well that "tylenol" (that certainly wasn't an ambien) shortened the night quite a bit huh?

sweet dreams,

Dear driver who rode my ass,

I did not appreciate you riding so close to my bumper that had I needed someone to perform cpr in my trunk you would have been the man for the job. i was going 70mph, and the speed limit was 55. im not sure where you were going but riding my ass didnt make me go any faster, huh?

kiss off,

(p.s. you looked like a monkey waving your arms around, if meant it to look threatening it did not.)

Dear wawa mocha alert coffee,

oh ho wi love your extra dose of caffeine. even though you are a powder mixed with water, your flavor is so tasty i wake up craving you. you get me through my day,

heart you

Dear patient in 526,

just so you know i am trying to type a blog post and interupting me to have me come and scratch your foot IS JUST A LITTLE ANNOYING!!!!! I don't care i fyou are 90 years old, scratch your own damn foot!

your caring nurse

bloggy friends,

i apologize, this post isnt that interesting, but i needed a down day, lol and i seem to thrive on this letter format thingy. heart you all for coming back!

Friday, May 21, 2010

more letters.....

dear m.....

today was a bad day for me. i was sick this morning and worried and then postponed. when i came home you didnt say much and i took it to mean that you didnt care or notice.

i went outside with my sister and my son and you came along and joked around, touched me a few times just to let me know you were there, but still.....

i wanted you to ask me how my day was and letme get it out. i needed for you to do that.

i came in and rinsed off my sweat in the shower and laid down, i had been up for 27 hours by that time anad i was over exhausted......

you came and laid down next to me and said "just so you know i'm here when you are ready to talk. but don't let it build up inside. talk to me."

my mouth opened and so did the floodgates. i told you every fear and concern i had, every tear i cried you met with a smile and kind words.

you encouraged me, uplifted me and cheered me on. you made me feel strong again when i felt weak all day.

you made me feel worthwhile and proud when i felt down and hopeless all day.

i cried and laughed through my tears as you brought me up out of my misery with that way you have and i finally slept.


you know who you are

dear you,

tonight you called me ignorant and vengeful. you didnt even spell it right, but trust me it hurt just like you meant it to. I know you said more to my sister about me that she is censoring me from because you have already hurt me enough today.

when i found out that you have no intention of coming to court today, i wonder why you wont be there to defend yourself. I mean, i guess htere isn't much you can say, but still. you won't even fight to see your child? he misses you. two and a hlaf weeks ago when you said goodbye to him, i know that he had no idea it would be the last time he saw you for a long while. two weeks ago he was asking for you every day. one week ago he mentioned that he hasn't talked to you on the phone in a while and were you ok. this week he hasn't really talked about you at all except to his therapist.

your rent is over due by a month.

for some reason you found it necessary to state that i should pay it to keep myself out of trouble with my credit. Thanks for thinking of me.

when you heard i wasn't gonna pay it, you became nasty, again.

why am i continuously surprised by this?

you were supposed to start your job three weeks ago. now it is next monday. i continue to pay your cell phone bill even though these last two months you either went over or are near to going over your minutes.

you write on facebook all the time about the amazing days you are having and how much fun your life is, but you complain to my family that i am selfish and uncaring because you have no money and i won't give you any more.

everytime i am forced to be subjected to you either by third party or in person, i am bitter afterwards because you are mean and hateful.

i would just like to remind you that it is you who abused me. and when i finally couldn't take it anymore i left. and now you continue to abuse me however and whenever you can.

my friend serena gave me some advice and i took it and will continue to do so.

i wish you the best and hope that you can reevaluate your life. i hope you can get it together for the sake of our son. i hope you find happiness and comfort.

but if you don't i want you to know that me and dom? we are doing just fine without you. we are happy and healthy and safe. we go places and do things, we spend time together and have friends. and i know that even though he will wonder why he doesn't have you.....he will also know that he always has me.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

this format seems to work for me....

Dear god,

though i know that you already know how i am feeling there are soem thigns that i would like to discuss with you and since i know y ou wont be answering back, just listening whole heartedly, i am gonna let it flow.

I am such a mix of emotions, some days i dont even know which way is up. I am mad because i feel like i have very little control over things. you know how much i like and need control. maybe thats why you have taken it away from me. not too sure, but i want you to know how uncomfortable it makes me. i overdrew my checking account today to put gas in my car and it has had me pissed off ever since. i knowingly did it and i have very good reasons, this you know because i am very good with money normally except this past week when i just can't quite squeeze enough off tha money tree.

be patient you say? relax and let you handle it god? well im sure thats a good theory but i know you wont be the one paying that overdraft fee or feeling guilty that for once in you adult life you messed up your bank acocunt.

i am sad because there are moments when i miss my ex husband so much it hurts. just little things, or vacations. it wasn't all bad you know and though alot of it was, i do miss the dream of what we could have been. what? yes lord i know i tried my hardest for years, but doubt has a way of washing over me and sometimes i am afraid i am gonna drown in it.

i am scared because i do not know what the future holds. my son and i are good right now, but who wants to be alone forever? who wants to go through learning about soemone else and hoping they want to learn about you too? i am feeling downright cheated right now that you didn't give me a mate that i could have stayed with my whole life. the one you gave me was defetive and i am tired of getting the short end of the stick.

i am also thankful. thankful for my health. thankful for my son and my family and my friends (esp my bloggy friends who know that i am writing this only to vent and not to complain)....

well, lord i guess i have said enough for one day. thanks for listening. i'm sure i will be back,

Friday, May 14, 2010

if you call me this, i might defriend you....

so i am gonna give some advanced warning that this post will contain some offensive language and content. I will not be offended at all if you choose to stop reading and i also promise this is not a preview of every post from here on out.
that being said it is my blog and this is a place i feel i can come and get out the bullshit.

To Whom it May Concern,

There are certain people who are saying certain things on certain public areas of the internet about me. they are hurtful and mean, and i don't like it. i choose not to respond on the same venue and create sometype of facebook war, but suffice it to say calling me a whore who isn't worth the air im breathing might be a just cause to defriend you.

if after i defriend you, you text me to say that you are glad i left and that you hate me and everything i do and that you are going to take my son away from me for ever and that i am a waste of life and that you will take care of me and anyone i bring around my kid, i may just call the police.

and if you continue to harrass me and post on my pictures on facebook that i am a cheating whore, i may file for a restraining order.

if your family comments on my pictures and my posts my friends are probably gonna retaliate.

however, i am not trying to take your son from you nor do i wish to fight or interfere with your life. and i will also be taking the high road and not announcing to your family that you have been abusing me for the past five years in every way imaginable. Nor will i tell everyone you know that when you were 22 you had an afair with my 15 year old sister.


neither will i share with your friends that you tried to have an affair with the other sister and wrote her letters which my family still has.

i will not call your boss and tell him that you consume far too much alcohol everyday or that the anger management class you took was because you almost killed me that time.

i am sharing it here because your friends and family don't know this exists and because if you are reading it you already know the truth about it all anyway.

though you may never admit to these things and though you may fight me tooth and nail, i will continue to tell your son everyday that you love him and miss him.
Though you have probably played your sympathy game to everyone you know and have them convinced i am a monster when really it is you who is black on the inside, i will continue to support you in your job and in your parenting because like it or not we will be a team in that respect for the rest of our lives.

somedays, i throw up because i am just so sick of always taking the high road. somedays i want to personally call each of your friends and family and tell them how you held me down and did what you did to me, show them the marks and bruises you left on my body.

but i won't. because at this point in my life the only thing i have in common with you is a beautiful son whom we created and who desperately needs both his mother and his father.

and so i ask you if i can put it all behind me and swallow my pride for the sake of my kid, can you do it too?