Thursday, June 4, 2009

boy, i sure am lucky i have a kid to teach me the ways of the world....

it's true. just ask him. He makes sure he reminds me constantly that i in fact might be lost if it weren't for him.

He has taught me that i can endure almost anything.......

while we were on our vacation in March, heading from key west back to the mainland of florida, crossing over a 7 mile long bridge, i turned and warned the apple of my eye that we wouldn't be having a potty break for a bit. (now, i understand he really has very limited control over bm's and that is why we put a pull up on him in possibly unknown potty situations) ahem...

approx, midway across the bridge, he announces he has to poop.

I turn and look at him.

he puts his hands up and shrugs his shoulders as if to say "what can you do?"

only what he said was "it's gonna be a swamp ass mommy."

please allow me to interject for a moment, we do not allow our son to freely use foul language, however, diarrhea has earned the name swamp ass in our home, due to the laxatives and foods my son eats, there is no other appropriate name....

so....i tell him to go for it in the pull up because there is nothing else i can do....

and like a good little boy, he did.

i turned back around to look at the beautiful view.......

"uh, mommy?"

i look at him...

"it's leaking...."

i can see that his shorts are wet from the swamp ass, and so i am trying to think of what to do...let it go until we get to land which would mean a 20 hour car ride with a stinky booster seat.....or come up with some kind of super mommy way to change him...

while going 70 m.p.h.

so, being the fabulous mother that i am, i knidly ask my husband to go the actual speed limit of 55 m.p.h., tell my kid to climb into the front seat with me (the back seat was packed with our crap) and proceed to change him...

while he's standing....

in the front seat of the car....

with swamp ass...

needless to say, i didn't do a shabby job, everything was looking good, until...

i reached to his behind for one last wipe at precisely the moment he decided to produce the one last bit of poo...

my hand was covered, my fingernails were stuffed, the poo was even in the creases of my hand.

my husband screamed, my darling little angel screamed. i however, finished changing him without a drop of poo on his body or new shorts, put him back in his seat and buckled him one handed, then cleaned off my hand the best i could with baby wipes.

the best part? they both told me how gross and disgusting i was until we reached a reststop where i could wash my hands, and then even after for a few days, they wouldn't take anything from me if i handed it to them with my left hand.

my son has taught me the correct way to play mommy and daddy....

my husband stood washing the last of the dishes one night, and my son was watching him quite intently, finally he turned to me....

" you know, mommy, i've been thinking, the mommy is the one who should really be doing the cooking and cleaning...."

i look up at him from the book i'm reading, and i ask him why he thinks that ( in our house i work and my husband is a stay at home dad, it is absolutely the way we choose it to be for the last 3 years now...)

anyway...

he tells me that all th shows and movies he see's tell him that is the way it should be.

so i ask him while i am doing all the cooking and cleaning, and working, what will he and daddy be doing?

he leans back in his seat, puts his hands behind his head and says with a big shit eating grin beautiful smile " relaxing and playing and doing what we do best."

my child also taught me that he knows who is boss...

my husband and i always try to present a united front for our child. (we don't want him to be able to play us against eachother.) and when i say always, i mean, more often than not, my husband sets the rules because he is home mostly, (taking into consideration how i feel about things) and i either emforce when needed or discuss a change with my husband. Often times though, when i do haev the chance to set some rule or boundary or give some privelage, my husband bursts in with whatever he has to say. this irritates me to no end, because it doesn't exactly present that united front....

maybe i should start over...

i present a united front and my husband sometimes plays along...

well, the other day, upon being interupted from a serious negotiation between my son and i, my husband was letting us both know that neither choice was an option....

my blessing from the Lord looked up at him with a smirk and said....

"daddy? i've seen the man...

and you're not him."

and turned around to me to finish our discussion over what game to play and what the prize might be.


i am sure there are more pearls of wisDOM (again, do i need to point out that his name is part of that word?)

but i must go for now....

hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson today:)

10 comments:

The Rambler said...

These were FANTASTIC.

1. YOU are the mother of the year with the poop clean up.

2. Ah kids and their infinite wisdom on roles of mommies and daddies. :)

3. I almost want to high five your kid for the awesomeness of his answer. (but never to his knowledge but did you smirk a tad inside...just cause?)

I loved this post!!

Cammie said...

mommy's are super hero's
enough said

Sarah said...

I firmly believe that sometimes kids ARE right. Example: I used to nanny for a little boy. I watched him from the time he was 4 months old until he was 4.5 years old. I took him to the zoo a couple of weeks ago and while riding in the car he asked if he could put his window down (back driver side). I said sure but instantly remembered that the button is broke (it's a lease car, no biggie) so he wouldn't be able to put his window down but I would roll mine down and he'd get the breeze from the front window. He then asked "Well, Sarah, can't you just roll mine down with a button up there?"....DUH! I didn't even think of it! "Oh, duh" I said "Good idea Will!"
About your pace...do you ever run on a treadmill or always outside? Although running outside is important during training, you could use a treadmill to get you pace down...kind of train your body as far as pace and time. It's easier to keep track. If you can't get to a treadmill, is there a track nearby? What I would do, and I am far from an expert, is ALSO do interval training. Start with running a song at a pace that's fast for you, and then walk a song or run a song at a slower pace. Interval training has been proven to burn MORE calories for up to 24 hours AFTER you're done!! Plus, you get breaks and I seem to be able to run longer. However, you don't want to do JUST intervals because on race day it will be hard to run the whole time. Another thing you can do is set your music up to paces. Find a song with a fast beat (techno is perfect if you can handle it), then a song with a slower beat. I can't speak highly enough for heart rate monitors! I use a cheaper Polar model (about $105). As you train, don't be afraid to get your heart rate up into the 90%'s. A warm up rate is about 65% so it should always be a bit higher than that...at least 80%. YOU CAN DO IT! With training especially, and time, you can get your pace faster. I googled "achieving faster pace running" and didn't come up with much. I am giving you info that came from trainers at my gym or my experience. My pace is between 8:30-9:30 so I am not super fast either. The important thing is finishing and feeling like you did the best you could. And if you're on the short side (I am 5'2") there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do beyond training because short legs are not built for running! Sorry for the novel...I hope I helped a little. I think the heart rate monitor is the best thing because as you train your heart, you will be able to run faster without feeling like you're going to die :)

Kristina P. said...

Wow, you are amazing.

wondy said...

LOL wow swamp ass. I'm not sure I could do that.

Sarah said...

Your workouts sound really good! As long as you are increasing your pace, even if it's slow, you'll be bettering your time. I would say that as the ultimate goal, on a t-mill, try to run at 5.7-6mph. This is what I normally run when I use a t-mill. You can start this now with intervals (do 1-2 minutes at that pace and then slow down) or you can wait awhile. All I have to say is that there are so many that can't run even a mile so even if you're a bit slower than you'd like, you are starting somewhere! It's a HUGE accomplishment. My first 5k was just under two years ago...progress is fast and steady if you work at it :)

I'll try that cross out thing next post, I think I understand it, thanks!

The Blonde Duck said...

That's so cute! Popped in from SITS!

Sarah said...

I found an awesome blog with so many cool tools to use for running! Check her out: http://mnfirefly.blogspot.com/

There is a button on her sidebar so that you can map your run! Or you can go to http://www.mapmyrun.com

Stesha said...

Oh, the lessons they teach us! The poop or "swamp ass" was classic. Last week my daughter had poop running down her back and all over her clothes. It was horrible. Who had to clean it up? Me! Who got it all over herself and her hands? Me! And like your family, they refused to touch my hands for awhile. Like they are so clean!

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

mommytoalot said...

I agree..mother of the year...
I have an almost 9 yr old son who is not toilet trained yet and I have never ever, nor do i think i could , attempt to change him whilst driving.
awesome post!