Tuesday, June 2, 2009

music is the door to my soul lately...

i find myself listening to the same 20 or songs over and over. they are the expression of how i feel lately and they are good at letting me just be me and not feel like i have to put on a face for anyone.

when i was a teenager and living in the heart of my parents home trying desperately not to be like them and yet have them accept me and love me.... ( keep in mind i wasn't a rebelious teenager, i just couldn't live my life the way that they did)...

so anyway, i would sit on my bed for hours and listen to music to drown out everything else.
it was how i could escape and not worry.

i find myself reverting back to that now. using it to drown out reality and often to hide from having to explain to my husband why i am sad or angry. it is also easy for me to blow up at every little thing and the more that i avoid those situations, the less fights i cause.

i am able to calm myself down and not be so angry/sad/uptight for a bit. i don't know why i am feeling like this so on and off lately. i literally feel like i am losing my mind.

i am sleeping and missing out on my kid playing outside the last 2 days, and though i feel like it isn't the end of the world, i still feel guilty. i guess when i chose to be a working mom, i should have know i wouldn't be there for every little thing. they made little pizza's tonight, and i was so jealous that they did it without me. not mad, but jealous. why?

i feel like i have come to a crossroads. be the person everyone wants, always happy and never mad, or be myself and let people take me or leave me. much easier to type than do.

i have a great life, i am thankful for that, my husband is wonderful and sexy and truly loves me. my kid is amazing, can cheer me up with one hug and loves to be around me.

and yet, at times i feel like i hide from them because i inevitably will let them down in some way.

wow, i am reading back over all this and thinking maybe i shouldn't take it so deep on here. i am considering deleting it.....

maybe we all go through this? maybe i thought i grew up a long time ago because i had to, and really the younger me just got pushed inside? maybe i was so busy of putting on the facade of always knowing what to do and always being the caretaker, that now i am realizing i need to be taken care of too?

i ran today for the first time in 2 weeks. i have been so good at faithfully exercising, but i just haven't been able to these last two weeks. but i hopped back onto the running train today.

thanks to shannon and sarah, they are my inspiration and i can't wait unti the day i run my first 5K. maybe i could ask hubby if he would like to train with me, then we could do it together.

i think this is something i just have to learn to be me and stop caring what others think. yet, maybe i am afraid no one will like what they see. i don't think i have been fake all these years, just always putting my best self forward and letting very few people actually get to know the real me.

recently i have made 2 friends who really like me for me. they have been there through the tears and laughter and they just keep coming back for more. i am having a hard time trusting that but over the last 9 months, they have proven themselves true.

can i really be one of those people who doesn't really trust anyone? am i always waiting for the ball to drop?

i push myself, and never allow myself to be sad or scared, i always have the answers, but maybe no one needs me to be that person. maybe i can just be jineen, and people will stay after all.

or maybe i really am losing my mind....i haven't ever felt this way in my whole life, like i don't even belong in my own skin........

well, friends, at least i can come here.......

thankyou all for coming back, and letting me just be me:)

4 comments:

Becky said...

You arent alone out there and I am glad you keep on coming back!

Hugs girl!

Kristina P. said...

I appreciate your honesty! Hang in there!

Shannon said...

Definitely not alone in how you feel! I feel the same way alot. Nothing is wrong in my life, but yet I'm not exactly happy with the way things are going. Ya know?

And I'm glad I could be your inspiration - that makes me feel so good! Thank you for that!

Sarah said...

I don't think you are losing your mind! I think I was forced to grow up way too soon too and although I am almost 32, emotionally I am much younger, which is hard to admit. The brain and emotions is way too complex for any of us to try to understand sometimes! I seriously wish I lived near you, I would totally train with you. Running my first 5k, a couple of years ago, was huge! I barely made it and am still amazed at how quickly we can condition our bodies to run :) Just because you're a Mom and Wife does NOT mean you can't be selfish sometimes! Listen to you music! Crank it up! Do what you need to do! Sending you cheers and motivation from Michigan!!