i should join mensa....

......what with all this learning i am doing lately:)

in addition to the lessons i have learned from my son, there are some things my patients have taught me and i feel you should know them as well.....

parts of your body are not always what they appear....

i was leaning over a patient trying to calm her down for bed. it was quite a task to undertake being that she has advanced dementia and also won't take any anxiety meds. (or any meds for that matter, she just won't swallow)

i couldn't leave her to her own devices, so i was using every trick i keep up my sleeve to get her relaxed. so anyway.....

i was smoothing her hair and talking softly......

meanwhile, she is grabbing at anything with both hands, the air, the siderails, the iv pole.....

and all of the sudden...

she grabbed my crotch.

and held tight.

i tried to back away without scaring her and i asked her what she doing.

she looked at me as she withdrew her hand and said....

"i am putting the easter basket backon the table."

i let her know that this particular easter basket was staying right where it was.

saltines and jif can be used against you....

i was again trying to calm down a little, itty bitty, crazy woman one night. ( i spend a lot of time calming people down....)

she has a mulitude of mental disorders and refused to take her meds. she was quite upset one night and i believe she was more scared than anything. acute psychosis can do that. she couldn't remember us from one moment to the next. she was black, and i tell you this not because i care, but because she was including several racist slurs in her yelling.

she was yelling all kinds of profanity, letting everyone know exactly what she thought of them. as she told each person in the room all the things that were wrong with them, she screamed and yelled.

we were finally able to get her to take her meds by crushing them in peanut butter and spreading it on crakcers. telling her it was the crunchy kind, which she loved.

finally it was my turn to hear what she thought of me....

she looked me dead in the eye...

and in a very calm voice.....

asked me if i had any peanut butter.

i told her i didn't....

she smiled...

and said...

" i just thought that since you are a cracker, you should have some peanut butter to go with it."

i had to leave the room because i was laughing so hard.

some patients just can't get enough of us...

we have one patient who comes in every couple of months, drunk off his ass. he is withdrawing from alcohol, which can be deadly.

after a lifetime or two of drinking everyday, he isn't looking so great. he is a short hispanic man, who can speak english, but only when he is sober...

one time, he smelled so bad and was continually peeing on himself and refusing to take off his pants. i literally stripped him down and held him in a bear hug and made him shower. i was soaking wet by the end but at least he didn't stink.

another time, i had to pick through his entire dinner because he hadn't eaten in days. i knew he was hungry and when i finally asked him what was wrong her told me he wasn't eating our food because we had la cucaracha's (sp?) in our food.

the last time he was leaving, he haqd been withdrawing worse than before and was found on the bushes of a median on the highway. i told him he was gonna kill himself if he didn't give the drinking a break. surely falling into some bushes had to be a pretty low point.

he was walking down the hallway, in his clothes, being discharged.

i called to him...

"hey p****"

he turned around..

"give us a little rest for a while, stay away from the beer for a week or two..."

he smiled, raised his hand to his mouth while shaping his fingers as if holding a beer can and said in his spanish accented english....

"i don't know, maybe tonight...."


i ran this morning, and now i am having a glass of wine......(let's pretend it's just one...)

and now i am going to sleep:)
have a great weekend!


jineen